Note to Self: Get it Together!

For the past few days I have been trying to write this post in such a way as to not come across as an ungrateful, spoiled brat. 

Hard to do when I have been exactly that.

As everyone knows, I love to decorate for Christmas. (If you don’t know that then either we haven’t met or you’re not paying attention.)  I don’t just love to decorate; I aspire to be the talk of the neighborhood.  I compete with neighbors to have the most lights, the most blow up decorations, the brightest house in the court. 

I don’t know what it is like getting through December without having to flip the breaker switch when I want to use my hair dryer.  I have been known to put one too many strings together outside – enough to blow the whole display. 

Does that deter me???  Ha! Of course not.

Here it is December 15 and I only have a few decorations outside! I could blame the weather (and believe me, I will) but it isn’t just that.  I have been busy at work and busy taking care of Robert and his increasing needs. I have had help from the kids in the past but they are out of the house and living their lives! How dare they!

Plus, it has been raining like crazy!  Good for the California drought; bad for my Christmas lights.

The inside decorations even got a late start.  I have been telling myself that it’s okay.  My deadline is December 24, after all. 

We have a large outdoor shed with our Christmas decorations. The shed is the size of a bedroom – a bedroom! Full of Christmas decorations! Which is awesome although quite daunting when my to-do list is ridiculously overloaded and those aforementioned kids are no longer around to haul boxes inside in assembly line fashion.

I had the brilliant idea of letting myself off the hook.  I’ll take it slow, I said.  I will just do what I can as time allows. 

Then the calendar turned to December 2^nd and I was back to “OH MY GOD! I HAVE TO DECORATE THE HOUSE!”

I hauled the boxes in, separating inside and outside décor.  Having the rain helped me prioritize: inside first.  Richard and I took Robert to the local hardware store to buy not one but two Christmas trees. I love having two trees – I had two growing up and think it just stuck in my brain that was just the right amount to have. (Of course, this isn’t the seventies so our tree is not the classy artificial white one with red ornaments.)

Richard and I usually get a very large tree for the front room and a smaller one for the family room where Robert spends most of his time. I mean, we have to leave room for Robert.  I get it - I'm not crazy, you know.

This year, I had every intention of getting one huge tree and one smaller tree but realized we needed to get two smaller trees. Richard’s back was already killing him when we were picking out the trees and I could barely stand them up to find the best one. Robert found the one for his room in two seconds flat – his were easy to stand up and turn around.

“That’s a good one," he said after the second spin.  Sold!

Richard and struggled with the ten foot trees and I finally looked at him and said we should get a smaller tree.  Let’s get a six foot tree.  That way, we can get both of them in the house without causing enough pain to warrant a three day recovery period. It would be easy to set up and decorate. Sold!

Both trees actually fit on top of Richard’s SUV and neither fell off! (Not that that’s ever happened to us.)

We got them in the house and set up and took our time decorating them. Just because we could. (And, you know, because the kids weren’t around. Kids – growing up and living their life; the nerve!)

But during this week, I found myself calling the living room tree my “Charlie Brown” tree.  Yes, I was calling my six foot full tree a Charlie Brown tree.

Even I knew how ridiculous I sounded so didn’t dare say this out loud. Goodness! How ungrateful could I be? I have two six foot trees in my house!

Spoiled. Rotten.

As we put on the decorations, both trees came to life.  Robert sat in his wheelchair and put ornaments on the tree.  I found a holiday music station on the television and we listened to classic holiday music. 

Robert, much to my surprise, even sang along to a song or two!

We drank hot chocolate and busily unwrapped the decorations and slowly but steadily emptied the boxes. 

The trees are done, the indoor décor boxes have been put in the shed and my house is starting to look like Christmas.  The outside still needs work but that will come along.  I still have time! If we don’t win the unofficial (aka, existing only in my head) neighborhood decorating contest, that will be okay. 

I think.  Unless my Spoiled Rotten self returns. 

Oh, I better get back out there – rain or no rain.

There are some traditions I just can’t give up! 

A Caregiving Story

We have lived in our house for 16 years and have raised three kids and countless animals in it.  It is a modest-size home but seemed gigantic to us when we first moved here because we were coming from an apartment.  An apartment which had the girls (who were pretty little at the time) crammed into a room together, literally having to walk on top of their beds to get to the other side of the room.

Walls by Caty and Chris

Once we moved into our own home, we took advantage of being able to paint!

The kids each had their own bedroom but shared a bathroom (which was really fun when they were teenagers). 

Things weren’t perfect but the house was filled with love, laughter, animals and noisy arguments (I told you – things weren’t perfect.)

At some point, the kids wanted to paint the bathroom but couldn’t come to a consensus on a color.  The girls wanted to help paint (Christopher, not so much) so we let them pick a wall and their own color and design.

Wall by Rachel

It was important to me for them to develop their independence as well as their creativity and to   know that hard work gets them what they want. 

The girls got creative: Rach picked a bright orange and then painted green palm trees on her wall; Caty chose a midnight blue with gold stars and the moon sprinkled throughout. Christopher chose a very dark lime green and wanted it simple – no design. He also wanted the smallest wall so he wouldn’t have to paint much.

Christopher obviously didn’t get the memo about hard work.

We had a great time creating the bathroom and it stayed in this hodge-podge of bright colors, not exactly matching, for several years.

The kids are now all in their twenties and have moved out and I finally admitted things can’t stay the same forever.

I did try to keep the bathroom the same and kept finding ways to justify it:

“It makes me happy to remember the kids when they were little.”

“It looks fine to me.”

“I’m not a fan of change.”

“I don’t know if I can tackle the challenge of repainting right now.”

I finally realized things seemed a little off in the bathroom.  It wasn’t as clean as I thought it was. The paint was showing its age. I was starting to wrap my head around the idea of needing a change. I broached the subject with the kids.

They had no qualms about us repainting.  They even seemed to welcome the idea. 

It took a while to make the final decision to repaint and when I did, I told myself I wouldn’t do it all at once. I could take my time to paint – I didn’t want to rush into anything or take on more than I could handle.

My first step was to prepare for the job.  I knew preparation was one of the keys to success.  Before starting, I thought about it for a long time. Is this really what I want to do?  Is Richard able to help even though he has his back problems?

Once I made the decision to repaint and Richard was on board, I dove into it. I decided on the color (Richard had a little bit of input) and I started preparing the room.

I was still determined to take my time and finish the bathroom over several weekends.  I didn’t want to overdo it. I didn’t even know if I could do it all at once.

I set these self-doubts aside and prepped the room with tape.  I created a list of supplies we needed and one Saturday we visited the hardware store. We got everything we needed to do the job. Primer (lots of it!), paint (“Cool as Cucumber”), brushes, pans, and more brushes.

Keeping costs down was important to me since, well, we’re not independently wealthy. I needed to repaint the room without going broke.

Adding accessories

Once I had the paint in my possession, my plan to move slowly with the process was out the window. I wanted to get this room done! My gut was telling me that it would work out and that I was up to the challenge.

I hauled ladders upstairs to the bathroom. I set up a standing fan because I knew I would get hot painting the enclosed room in the middle of summer.  I remembered my water because I knew it was important to take care of my needs while painting. 

Putting on the primer was the most time-consuming but it was worth the effort. While I climbed onto the ladder and stepped onto the counter I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I’m not as young as the last time I painted nor am I in very good shape but I can still maneuver my way to the far reaches of the bathroom ceiling corners.

I was extra cautious though because I knew I couldn’t afford to hurt myself. Who would finish the job if I couldn’t? 

Of course, things never go as planned so there were times I was cranky because I was doing too much or being critical of myself of how I was painting. 

Thankfully, I had Richard to help me.

Happy with the "new" room

He gave me advice (when I asked for it), ran back to the store for more brushes and helped take care of the other things around the house I was neglecting.

There were plenty of things I didn’t have time for while painting and never really felt like I was giving one hundred percent to anything while tackling the bathroom. Even while painting, I thought my attention should be elsewhere.

But I was driven to finish the job.

I wanted this bathroom to look the best it possibly could. I didn’t want to look back and have any regrets about how I recreated this small space of our home into what I had envisioned and hoped for.

I wanted to make this bathroom the best it could be.

When I finished painting, I had great fun putting the finishing touches on the room: pulling shelving and artwork from other parts of the house to both save costs and to make the most of what we already had.

Once I was finished, I saw there were touch-ups that needed to be made and a few imperfections in my work but I knew I had the tools to fix these problems and tried to not let these color my overall positive view of my painting experience.

I may have my moments of frustration while painting but am thrilled with the end result and am confident I made the right decision to paint. The bathroom looks wonderful and I know that underneath the new paint are years of memories of the kids when they were little. 

Those memories will always be a part of the bathroom and of me - no matter how much primer I had to use! 

There’s Always Tomorrow

Newsflash:  Sometimes caregiving is fulfilling and sometimes it’s a pain in the you-know-what.

For someone who loves order and routine, I have learned am learning that these wide swings can be over the course of a month, week or day.   

Even moment to moment. 

Since moving Robert to our home, my husband and I have had challenges but we’ve had some really memorable moments with Robert too.  

It’s those moments of laughter and, for me anyway, routine that can sustain us through even long stretches of difficult times. 

These difficulties are not because Robert moved in with us because, as even a casual reader here knows, I had my difficulties when Robert lived in a care facility. 

Caregiving is caregiving no matter where your caree lives.

This past week presented challenges but it also had moments of pleasant surprise. I see glimpses of routine!  Some people may not like routine but I seek it at work and at home. It provides me something to count on and a sense of peace. As much as I love the word discombobulated, I loathe the feeling of it. 

I see Robert looking at Richard with respect and watching how he does things, seemingly making a mental note.  I see bad habits we’re trying to change in Robert go by the wayside.  I see progress with habits much more difficult to break. 

Knowing Robert is wearing clean clothes and is changed and kept clean as much as needed is a huge relief.  I see an improvement in Robert’s health (knock on wood).

I see light at the end of the tunnel. 

This is what a week on the way to “normal” and "routine" looks like:

Last Thursday

Robert’s GP suggested he see a pulmonary specialist since he’s been in the hospital twice in the past 11 months for pneumonia.  She wrote the referral and said to call in a few days to get the appointment.  I waited more than a week because I know how these things go.

My first call was to the clinic where I wanted the appointment and was told the referral was written for another clinic and to call them.

My second call was to that location but was told there was no referral and to call the central referral line.

My third call was to the central referral line.  They  told me they don't handle pulmonary referrals and to call office #2. After explaining I already did that, she took my number and said she will have office #2 call me back.

It’s been a week and I just today was able to get the appointment with the pulmonologist.  I gave up on my preferred location and am just happy I got an appointment. 

Thursday night:

Robert had a seizure and ended up on the floor (as much as we try to keep Robert seated or catch him when he falls, it’s not always possible – falls happen). He came out of the seizure with me, Richard, Taz and Oz on the floor with him. Instead of his usual confusion, he woke up giggling.  We must have been quite the sight! 

Saturday

Richard stayed with Robert while I went to a yoga class in the morning with my daughter.  It was a studio we hadn’t been to before and we fell in love with it!  I was relaxed and rejuvenated. 

The middle of the day was filled with the not so fun stuff: multiple seizures, falls, hubby and I not communicating well and Taz (aka Crazy Puppy) and Robert not communicating well.

The evening was much better and was spent on the patio with Robert and I watching hubby play ball with the dogs. There was ice cream and laughter involved which helped soothe the rough spots of the day.

Monday

While I was outside with the puppy working on a writing project (and trying to tire the little maniac), Robert was just inside watching Wheel of Fortune. Every time someone solved a puzzle, he said, "That's good she solved it." Or if they go bankrupt, he would declare, "That's too bad he went bankrupt." He loves to give a running commentary during game shows!

Tuesday

While making dinner, I glanced over and saw Robert's hand moving. I assumed he was having a seizure (he sometimes tugs at his clothes when having a seizure) but saw he was petting Oz! Granted, Oz is our 8-year old, CALM lab who had walked over near Robert but until now Robert hasn't initiated petting any of the dogs. This is progress!

Wednesday

A birthday dinner out was planned for Richard’s mom but she became sick in the afternoon and by evening needed to be taken to urgent care (she is back home now and on antibiotics).   The upside of the evening is my daughter was over and was able to tire out the dogs and keep them out of Robert’s hair!

Today

It was a hectic morning at work made even busier because I had to leave early to take Robert to a bone scan appointment.  Thankfully, Richard picked Robert up from Day Program which saved me from having to leave even earlier! Once they were home and Robert settled on one couch and Oz on the other. Robert looked over at Oz and, good-naturedly said, “Good afternoon, Oz.” 

I picked Robert up from home and took him to the appointment.  We were back in time to have pancakes for dinner! 

(We also just ended the evening with an earthquake! Luckily, there are no reports of damage but it was disconcerting to have the chair move beneath me. Robert and the dogs slept through it.)

There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.  Early in the week a friend reminded me of a favorite quote:

"There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day."

The beauty of this week is its normalcy (except that earthquake, of course) and the tiniest sliver of routine.  And the fact that there will be tomorrows full of routine and normal and pleasant surprises which will far outweigh the difficult days.