Sunday, February 2, 2025

Catching Up

It has been quite a while since I posted in this space.

I miss it.

I miss writing. I miss sharing my caregiving journey in the hopes of helping others. I miss the connections with those who grace me with their time reading my random thoughts and I miss the comments people share.

I miss getting these random thoughts out of my head. If you have ever struggled with a decision (and, frankly, who hasn’t) you most likely know it helps to write down your thoughts and (my personal favorite) a pros & cons list.

Writing helps sort through what is swirling in our brain and usually gives me some clarity.

So here I am. I am back! My plan is to not wait another two years to write another post.

Let’s get caught up.

My last post was about our decision to place Robert in a facility. That was in May of 2022.

We searched and searched for facilities for Robert. We used his Regional Center to help us find the right facility for him. We toured several and Robert was enthusiastic about each one.

We searched for almost two years and were rejected by every facility. “He has too many seizures.” “He is big and needs a lot of physical assistance and we have small staff.” “Our hallways are too small to accommodate any more people in wheelchairs.” “He requires too much care.”

In the middle of our search, Robert was hospitalized for aspiration pneumonia. I explained our situation to the nurses and they were very sympathetic. They suggested I discuss finding a facility with the discharge planner once Robert was ready to go home.

I did as they suggested and talked to the discharge planner. She was unable to find a facility for long-term care. I asked her to find a place for short-term rehab since he would need it after being hospitalized for ten days and she pushed back and asked if I would take him home after that. I told her if I could but that I would find out from them at that time if they could take him long-term. She said that is called “dumping” if I didn’t plan to take him home and she couldn’t risk her reputation with these facilities if I did that. At that point she refused to look for short-term rehab options and only came up with a couple of very low rated long-term options for me.

I was sick to my stomach. I would never abandon Robert but I knew I could no longer care for him. I had been trying to find a facility for him for almost two years! I was so angry that I just had him released back home – without the rehab he needed – so we were in a worse position than when we started.

Robert eventually got up to baseline with the help of outside PT and Richard and I using the lift during the worst of it.

Several months later, I needed to have a few minor surgeries so I found a Skilled Nursing Facility to keep him for a month while I had the surgeries and recovered without having to do the physical care Robert needed. I ended up needing more “respite” time because of infections after my MOHS surgeries and needing cataract surgery on my other eye. Robert ended up in the hospital with Covid that he contracted in the facility and was able to return to the facility once he recovered so he could have physical therapy to get stronger.


Robert then contracted RSV and was again hospitalized, recovered and returned to the facility again for rehab.

In the meantime, we welcomed our first grandson and have since welcomed another along with our granddaughter! 

One day while cleaning out the closet at Robert’s facility, I read the care notes left for the CNAs. “Two person assist.”

Oof.

I was doing Robert’s care at home by myself (although Richard helped as much as he could) so seeing “two person assist” in writing really hit me.

I told the facility I was unable to care for Robert in our home any longer. I had the hospital discharge nurse’s words in my head: this is “dumping.”

It is pretty typical to experience guilt after placing a loved one in a facility but to think you are now doing something called “dumping” increases that guilt exponentially.

I really wasn’t dumping him. I was doing what was best for all of us and had no other option.

Robert has been in the same facility now for almost a year and a half and gets very good care. Yes, I still have to stay on them for various issues but, to be honest, he is living his best life. Everyone loves him there (residents and staff alike) and he participates in all the activities. He’s the bingo king and even has former residents sending him gifts and cards. As he likes to say, he is doing “super, amazing, excellent and great, great, great!”

For almost every day of that year and a half I wondered if I did the right thing by moving Robert to the facility. Friends and family assured me it was for the best but I still had that nagging doubt. Seeing him so happy and well cared for helped. Being able to spend time with our new grandson without worrying about Robert was amazing. Going on vacation with Richard without the worry of finding respite care was a welcome relief.

Still, my doubts always found a way to creep in.

Until Richard had his cardiac arrest.

I now really truly know in my heart Robert is in the best place for him but that it is also the best situation for us.

While I will continue to write about Robert and spread awareness about epilepsy, I will also write about the experience with Richard’s cardiac arrest and his recovery in the hopes it will help other caregivers.

Thank you again for your time and your support!

Sunday, May 29, 2022

Major Changes

I’ve been working on this post for a couple of weeks. It is very hard for me to write and might be hard for you to read. 

We have made the difficult decision to find a facility for Robert. 

Ugh. See? That is a hard sentence to write! I hope it wasn’t too hard for you to read. 

Robert has lived with us for more than nine years. For several years before that I managed his care while he was in Skilled Nursery Facilities, hospitals, Assisted Living and a Residential Care Facility. 

How did we come to this decision? Why now? 

We first considered hiring another caregiver. We had a caregiver before the pandemic and Robert loved her. He also went to a Day Program five days a week. Both Evelyn and the Day Program were very helpful. Then the pandemic hit and we hunkered down. His Day Program switched to a virtual program and his caregiver hung up her caregiving hat. I really don’t think a new caregiver could give us as much help as what Robert needs. (Not to mention, much of his needs are through the night and I can’t have a live-in caregiver.) 

I haven’t posted much so this might be a shock to people who don’t see us every day. Heck, the decline has even been difficult for us to see and we are with him every day. 

My daughter has been gently telling me for a while now that it is probably time to think about another living situation for him. She sees how physically demanding it is on Richard and I and she worries about our health. Even Robert’s physical therapist knows how much we do and ends up giving me tips and exercises at Robert’s therapy sessions so I don’t hurt my back when moving him. His neurologist even said we might want to start looking for a place for him before it becomes an emergency situation. 

Hmm. I hear all of them saying something but I can’t quite put my finger on it. 

Not surprisingly, it has been difficult for me and Richard to admit there has been such a dramatic decline. 

Since moving in with us, Robert has gone from using a walker on his own to needing both me and Richard to transfer him from his wheelchair to the bed. He can walk about ten steps using his walker but only with one of us behind him, practically holding him up and definitely keeping him balanced. 

Robert’s swallow disorder has caused numerous bouts of aspiration pneumonia which land him in the hospital. A related and equally upsetting change: Robert can no longer have his beloved Rocky Road ice cream! Those bits of marshmallow and nutty goodness make him choke so it’s just plain chocolate now.

In nine years, Robert has gone from mostly dressing himself with my supervision and encouragement to me bathing and dressing him. 

Robert’s short-term memory has become non-existent. He will ask how we’re doing dozens of times during the day, even if we just left the room for a minute and returned. It’s groundhog day on repeat throughout the day. 

He loves to look at pictures which we have throughout the house but he needs reminding who everyone is and sometimes doesn’t make the connection that Richard and I are the same people in the photos. 

Robert loves his game shows and talks to Steve Harvey likes he’s his best friend but we have to be careful not to watch any of our favorite crime shows around him. If we do watch something with a disturbing scene we have to reassure Robert that it is not real. 

We try to stick to game shows.  

Meals take longer and longer. (I’m talking hours.) Robert is easily distracted by crumbs or folding his napkin just right. I recently learned this is called perseveration. You can see it in action here

Sleeping through the night is hit or miss now. We started using melatonin (at the suggestion of his doctor) which helps some. He still sometimes wakes up at 2:00 a.m., wide awake and asking if it is time to get up. 

He doesn’t make the best decisions. I used to be able to leave him alone in the bathroom until I caught him trying to pull up his pants and stand up by himself (he can’t do that without falling so that is a disaster waiting to happen.). 

Robert went from manageable urinary incontinence to occasional bowel incontinence to trying to stop himself from doing either once he’s in bed. He started to put tissues down his brief to stop urinating or having a bowel movement. I placed the tissues out of reach. He then just used his hands to stop urinating and to take the poop out of his brief. (Sorry for the graphic details but caregiving is messy and I don’t want other caregivers to feel alone if they’re dealing with the same situation.)

I immediately ordered onsie pajamas that zipped up in the back. There’s no way he could get the pjs off or his hands down his brief. I paid an exorbitant fee for overnight shipping but this was not a situation that was safe or healthy for him or us. 

The onsie works but, unfortunately, they make him so hot! After some research, I tried a different method to keep him clean which involves putting a folded sheet across him and tucking it in under the mattress so he can’t get to the brief. It seemed like a good idea until I saw him on the camera easily maneuver around that little hack. 

Back zipper onsie it is.  

I have tried to stay one step ahead of his decline but it is accelerating at a rate I can no longer keep up with. 

There’s been a decline. I mean, a dramatic decline in movement, cognition, memory and impulse control. All of it. 

And he is not going to improve. This is his neurodegenerative process due to his numerous concussions, uncontrolled seizures, brain surgeries and medications. 

What is hard for me about this decision is that he is not difficult to care for every minute of every day. He is still able to have conversations although his mumbling is much more prevalent. He is laughing at a game show as I type this. He is safe in his wheelchair, eating a snack and drinking his water while doing his puzzle book and watching whatever game show Richard put on. Taz walks by to go outside and Robert introduces himself as Robert Allen Wright then proceeds to spell it out for him. Robert pets him and tells him he loves him very, very much and asks how he is doing today. Sure, he seems to expect Taz to answer him but he doesn’t get upset when Taz stays silent. 

Because I am who I am, I just keep plowing through and taking care of him while not realizing or seeing his dramatic decline. That’s what I do. I see a problem, work a problem and get through the problem. (And deny the problem if I’m being honest.) 

I always had a vision of how my caregiving journey would end. Richard and I would care for Robert – in our home – and he would continue to end up in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia but one time he wouldn’t make it. I would be with him at the end just as I was for our mom and then, years later, for our dad. I am not trying to be morbid and I didn’t know exactly when this would happen but it is what I prepared myself for. With Robert’s health issues and numerous hospitalizations for pneumonia and close calls with sepsis, I thought this was a pretty good idea of how things were going to go. 

I like to plan and prepare. I should be an honorary Boy Scout. 

On the other hand, we all joked that he would outlive us all because, well, he’s Robert. 

Funny, though, how these “plans” for the future don’t always follow the script in our heads. 

So the script has to change. I don’t anticipate being able to find a suitable place for Robert until after the first of the year but I am starting the search. I have contacted his Regional Center but that is a slow process. 

Our caregiving will not end but it will take on a new direction. Richard and I will still oversee his care and make sure his needs are met and he is happy. I have a feeling Robert will bring joy to his caregivers just as he does to us and all of you.

I hope you understand our decision. 

Sunday, September 19, 2021

The Deep Brain Stimulator for Epilepsy: Progress

The first time the Deep Brain Stimulator was activated, Robert’s seizures increased

No, that’s not supposed to happen. 

I deactivated the device but hoped we would be able to somehow, eventually, use all this new hardware in Robert’s body. The leads, the battery pack – everything he went through to get it cannot be for nothing. 

Robert’s neurologist sent me a message to come in at the end of August to try again. I was so happy that there was another way this device just might work! 

I had a management meeting at work in the morning and Robert’s appointment in the afternoon. My brain was getting a workout today! Good thing I had fresh memories of our beach vacation floating around in my head to keep the stress at bay. 

Dr. K, Robert’s epileptologist, came into the room as enthusiastic as ever. He clearly cares about his patients and is as disappointed when a treatment doesn’t work for Robert as we are. He will not be deterred, however! 

I sat with my list of questions and Robert sat with the box holding the Patient Programmer (basically, a phone with an app) and a wireless recharger (the part that goes over the battery pack in his chest). 

Dr. K explained that he talked with Stanford who conducted the DBS study that Robert had been in. The setting they used in the study was different than what Dr. K started with during the first activation. He was confident this different setting was going to have a better result. 

How will the setting be different? 

I am not a scientist but Dr. K was both patient and brilliant at explaining the process to me. I created a rudimentary illustration to show to my fellow non-scientists (apologies to any readers who are actually scientists!). 

Basically, the first setting had sections 1 and 2 activated. That created a constant electrical current in the brain but, for Robert, it was too much too soon and it caused him to have seizures. 

For this second try, only section 1 was activated. That allows for a more diffused electrical current which should be easier on Robert’s brain. We start at Setting A which is 2 milliamps in just that section 1 (in both leads). After two – four weeks I can increase it using the Patient Programmer and move the device to Setting B. That will deliver 3 milliamps – still in both leads but only in section 1. 

If all goes well, a month after Setting B is activated we can go to Setting C (4 milliamps). Dr. K says we can eventually get up to 7.5 milliamps but that there is no statistical difference in performance between 5 and 7.5 milliamps. 

I asked if we should leave it on longer this time if it does cause seizures again. Maybe Robert’s brain needs to get used to it? Dr. K said that might be a solution but also explained there were other settings he could try. He sounded very confident that we would be able to find a setting that worked for Robert. He said the amount of people that have an increase in seizures from the DBS is in the single digits. We just need to find the right setting for Robert. 

Photo of leads
(Credit: Medronic)

Once it was activated again, Dr. K asked Robert if he felt any tingling. Robert said he didn’t feel anything (that is not unusual but some people do have a sensation on one side of their body when it is activated. That’s nothing to be concerned about.). 

We talked about reducing his medications once we know it is working. Dr. K is very concerned about Robert continuing on the Depakote since it is affecting the ammonia levels in his liver so much (which causes confusion, sleepiness and mobility issues). 

If this DBS actually starts working I will be thrilled to start reducing the meds. Getting Robert to have more functionality and mobility not only helps him but us. It also would greatly help once we are no longer able to care for him (I have to think about these things). 

We left the office very hopeful (at least I did; Robert had long since fallen asleep while Dr. K and I talked about him). 

Robert had a couple of seizures over the next few days but nothing like when we first activated it. Eventually, they subsided. 

Was this working?? 

Not yet. Robert’s typical seizure cluster came pretty much on schedule (every 2 – 3 weeks) and his most recent one was a doozy. He had close to three dozen seizures in 25 minutes. Even his rescue med (Nayzilam) took longer to work than usual. 

Okay. The DBS at the lowest setting is not working. We didn’t really expect that setting to be the one that works but at least it didn’t cause more seizures. 

Three weeks after the initial re-activation and a week after the seizure cluster, I increased the device to Setting B. Robert did feel like he was being “tickled” once I increased the setting but it went away after a few minutes. 

The plan is to increase the device to Setting C in 3 – 4 weeks. If we see fewer seizures, that’s when we can start reducing his medications. I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves or jinx anything since we just got to Setting B but we are on our way! 

I hope this information helps you understand the Deep Brain Stimulator from a patient or caregiver perspective. As I mentioned, I am not a scientist or a medical professional but I am happy to answer any questions about this surgery and the whole process. 

Thank you for following Robert’s journey to, if not seizure freedom, at least seizure (and medication) reduction. I know a lot of people are rooting for this to be successful! 

Oh, and to everyone asking the most important question: Yes, of course, Robert got a chocolate shake after the activation by Dr. K and chocolate ice cream after the increase to Setting B! 






Thursday, August 26, 2021

The Deep Brain Stimulator for Epilepsy: Take 2!

One of the questions asked about Robert getting the Deep Brain Stimulator was: what do we hope to get from it? 

While many may think the obvious answer is to reduce seizures the more complete answer is a bit more complicated. 

At this point in Robert’s life, the anti-seizure medications are what are causing so many problems. High ammonia levels (from Depakote) leading to reduced mobility and functionality and increased confusion. Vimpat literally making him lose his balance and his ability to walk (putting Robert on a very low dose has helped with seizures but any increase will negatively affect his mobility). 

Robert is on five different seizure medications along with a bunch of other meds to counter-act side-effects of those medications. He’s on so many a doctor seeing Robert in the hospital questioned him being on so many and said he’s never seen a patient on that many anti-seizure medications. The doctor clearly needs to spend more time in the neurology unit. 

(He tried to make changes to Robert’s medication regimen but anyone who knows me knows that didn’t happen.)

Our hope is that this DBS will control Robert’s seizures so we can reduce his medications and he can maybe even regain some of his functionality and mobility. 

That’s not asking too much, right? 

Robert went through the two surgeries and we were able to move up the appointment to get the DBS activated. (Thank goodness the neurologist was on standby for jury duty and could squeeze us in!) 

Time to activate this baby! 

At the appointment, Robert and I patiently awaited the neurologist. I reviewed my questions I had written down and Robert cracked jokes. 

I thought about how fascinating this device is, and, really, nothing short of a medical miracle. Leads go into the brain, hook up to a battery in the chest and it can be controlled with a phone and a hand-held programmer device that goes over the implanted battery to activate it. 

Robert has been very lucky with the quality of his epileptologists even though he’s had several of them. His current neurologist (Dr. K) is kind, smart and takes his time to explain everything. He knows we’re a team and he is as hopeful about this working for Robert as we are. 

Another neurologist came into the room with Dr. K and she introduced herself as a fellow. She was learning about the DBS which I didn’t mind at all. They are part of an award-winning teaching hospital and I am thrilled to have these talented doctors and students as part of Robert’s care team. 

Dr. K explained the DBS has three settings and delivers a constant electrical current. It starts out on setting A which delivers a low electrical current, then after a month (if it’s not yet controlling the seizures), the patient (or caregiver) can move it to setting B which delivers a little more of an electrical pulse. Setting C is the highest setting and that is where most patients end up but it takes three or four months to get there after the initial activation. 


Dr. K activated the device, showing me the different settings and explaining some side-effects to watch for (depression or tingling on one side of the body). He explained how to control the device at home and said I could increase it to setting B after one month if Robert seemed to be tolerating it okay. 

He said another MRI may be needed to be sure the electrodes are still placed correctly but he didn’t think that was necessary just yet. 

It seemed simple enough to activate and control. It’s basically an app on a phone so I was comfortable with it once I figured out how to open the app and he took me through the steps to control it. 

How will we know it is working? If Robert has fewer seizures, it is working! Simple as that. Robert’s seizures come in clusters every two to three weeks. If the clusters don’t come, it’s working. If his seizures come as frequently as usual, we move to setting B. We left the office feeling very hopeful. 

This is going to work! I just know it. 

The next day Robert had a seizure cluster. I brushed it off since he was “due” (his seizures are pretty regular so I didn’t find it unusual that he had any). 

The day after he didn’t have any. Phew! 

The day after that, he had another cluster. Then another the next day.  

He continued to have seizures almost daily for six days after the DBS was activated. 

This was not a side-effect anyone expected. 

I was in contact with Dr. K’s office and was told on the sixth day to turn it off. 

It was heartbreaking to deactivate it. Robert had gone through so much (heck, we all had) to be able to use this device and now it is causing him more seizures. Knowing he had the electronics in his head and chest and it was just sitting there, not being used, going through all the surgeries and MRIs and appointments . . . 

Heartbreaking. 

I turned it off but did so while hoping the seizures would continue. I’ve never wished for Robert to have seizures but just this once I wish they would continue. I was hoping the seizures were caused by something else and that it was just a weird coincidence they happened after the DBS was activated. 

No such luck. 

The seizures stopped. He’s had a few (his normal) since then but nothing like the daily clusters he was having while the DBS was on. 

We had planned a long weekend beach vacation for later in the month and made the most of it. It was what we all needed after such a stressful and disappointing process the last few months. 

On the last day of our vacation Dr. K messaged me and asked if we wanted to try again with a different setting. Yes! I am hopeful there is a setting that Robert’s brain can tolerate. Maybe there’s a setting below A that we can start with instead. Maybe we need to leave it on longer than a week and let his brain adjust. Maybe we need another MRI to make sure everything is still located where it’s supposed to be. 

Maybe there is still a chance for this DBS to work for Robert. 

Today we go in to try again. I have more questions. Robert will have more jokes. We know we have an army of people saying prayers, sending well wishes and hoping for the best for this second try. 

Hope and support are what we are hanging onto.