Helping Working Caregivers to Legally Expand the Definition of Family

Denise M. Brown, founder of Caregiving.com, caregiver advocate and my good friend was recently quoted in a New York Times article addressing the challenges of caregiving while working. As a caregiver who is both an employee and a manager, I have a bit of a unique perspective about caregiving while working. While caring for my brother, I manage a law firm but also have several employees who are or have been a caregiver to a family member.

As a manager, I am personally very supportive of my employees when they have these situations and work with them so they know how important they are to our firm but also so they don't stress about not being at work while handling caregiving duties. It may sometimes involve me running a little interference between the partners (my bosses) and the staff member but it is worth it. I have talented people working for me and I like to think we can work together to come up with a solution that works for both the business and the employee.

I feel lucky that my position can be somewhat flexible because I can bring work home or work on a weekend if I have to miss a few hours for Robert's doctor appointments or take a day off to move him (or meet with his care facility). As Denise suggests in a related post, I keep the partners who "need to know" in the know about my situation and they have been very supportive and understanding.

One of the issues I've run across as an employee is being able to take sick time to care for my brother. The definition of "family" under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and the California Family Rights Act (CFRA) includes caring for parents, children or a spouse. Siblings and grandparents are excluded at this time and many employers (including mine) follow the FMLA and CFRA definition for our sick time rules. Since I began caring for Robert, I've had to take vacation days to handle Robert’s doctor appointments, helmet fittings, emergency room visits as well as the time spent placing Robert in a care facility and all that entails (which adds up to a lot of hours!). So while my bank of sick time is maxed out (because I rarely take a sick day), I have exhausted much of my vacation time (and not because I take a lot of long vacations).

The Split Personality of Vacation

Some people call me a Pollyanna (okay, I call myself that sometimes too). I prefer to think of this trait as being “positive” and “optimistic” and not “naïve” or “completely out of touch with reality.”

Any situation can be viewed from different perspectives leaving some people happy as clams (hey, don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it) or Gloomy Gusses (and everything in between).

Vacation is rife with opportunities to see things in a positive light, letting one enjoy a break no matter what happens or to see all the obstacles standing in the way of a relaxing, enjoyable time.

Which would you choose? (In case you didn't guess, I chose Option B in each scenario).

Situation #1 (we’re going in chronological order here): On our way to the beach, we drop off our Princess Sassy at Other Brother’s house (Sassy is our Toy Pomeranian, and yes, she prefers to be addressed as “Princess”). Sister-in-Law engages in a very frank discussion (aka, intervention) about moving Robert into our house and lays out the reasons why it is not good for me, my health, my family or the health of my family.

Option A: Engage in an argument, be hurt and let this discussion temper the excitement of the beach (which is so close!).

Option B: Since I’ve known SIL for over 25 years, know she is coming from a genuine place of caring and of being a real sister to me. Wonder why the heck it took so long for Other Brother to tell her of these plans (okay, this was a minor distraction). Seriously consider every point she brought up and discuss the decision with Hubby again, revisiting each point (after vacation). We came to the same conclusion (moving Robert in with us but more resolved to have it be temporary if it affects our own health or well-being or family). Thank you, SIL, for making me think this through even more.

Situation #2: While I am sitting on the beach ten minutes after arriving to the coast, Robert calls to tell me he’s out of day time briefs (I had just visited him the night before and he was completely stocked with everything I provide for him. New Home provides the daytime briefs). I confirm the situation with the aide who tells me the shipment hasn’t arrived yet. House Manager is my next call and we have a discussion about (1) how in the world this could happen and (2) how she is going to get him more briefs (because putting him into the tape diapers instead of finding him pull up diapers takes away his independence and is not acceptable to me). After a discussion about why she can’t use his “P&I” account to go to CVS to purchase pull up briefs (it apparently takes a week to get proper authorizations), she agrees to get a few from Day Program that were there for back up.

Option A: Become angry, hostile and irritated. Sulk for the rest of the afternoon about the incompetence of whoever was in charge of ordering the briefs which completely distracts from the beauty of the day.

Option B: Recognize that I couldn’t be in a better place to solve this problem. Sitting on the beach, looking at the ocean, scouting the sea for sea lions while helping House Manager come up with a solution so Robert is dry and in briefs he can pull up and down when needed. I’d like to solve problems like this every day!

Situation #3: Good Lord, my step-daughter wants to get a tattoo!

5 Quick Tips on How to Help a Caregiver

Caregivers are a stubborn bunch (or so I’ve heard!). We take on caring for loved ones (or sometimes friends) even if it seems to others like an impossible undertaking. We may not always ask for help (in our defense, sometimes we don’t know what help to ask for) but there are ways to offer assistance that will be both welcomed and appreciated.

1. Ask what help the caregiver might need. You may have the best idea since the invention of the iPhone (faithful readers know of my phone addiction), but if it doesn’t work for the caregiver or their loved one, then it’s not a good idea! Ask the caregiver what she needs help with, not what you think she needs help with.

2. Offer to visit with the caree. A visit doesn’t have to last all day (and, in a lot cases, that may not be welcome anyway). There are caregivers who are with their loved one all the time. No, really. I mean All. The. Time. Offer to visit with the caree (or in the case of a certain someone, play cards) for thirty minutes or an hour so the caregiver can run to the store or can go to another room and call a friend – without worry tagging along.

3. Offer to grocery shop. It doesn’t have to be a full shop (and that offer would probably be met with resistance, anyway). Call the caregiver and say, “Hey, I’m going to the store. Can I get you some milk/bread/bananas/chocolate?” (Not necessarily in that order). The caregiver may take you up on it if they don’t think it’s a special trip you’re making for them.

Memories

Robert spent the day with us but it wasn’t until the drive back to New Home that we actually talked a lot. “A lot” being relative since Robert isn’t usually very talkative and the day didn’t allow for much talking time.

I picked him up after breakfast and he worked on his word search puzzle on the way back to my house (complaining about the shaky car – hey, it’s the road, not my driving).

Once we got home, he watched church on television which I had set to record before leaving the house to pick him up. (Okay, no judging! I realize it sounds odd that I make him watch church on television instead of splurging and taking him to an actual church but he likes it. Really!).

Robert then napped. (I’m not saying the two things are related. Just reporting the facts here.)

Next up, it was time for medicine and lunch. Oh, I hear you asking if I actually let him eat meat today. No, I did not. It was PB&J, chips and Rocky Road Ice Cream. (Wow. That sounds terrible in print. Does it help that it was whole wheat bread and organic jam?).

There was a bathroom break and then brushing his teeth (his dental hygiene habits are fabulous which is probably a good thing considering the lunch I just fed him).

Playing cards was next on the agenda. I won the first game (I know, look up and you just may see pigs flying around). He beat me the next game. (Phew – the world isn’t coming to an end!)

More meds. Thankfully, he reminds me! (I tend to forget the 2:00 p.m. dose.).

Time for the store. I want to make sure he has enough back stock of supplies to last while we’re gone for a few days. 7-Up, toothpaste, nighttime briefs and pens. (The last time I was out of town, his pen ran out of ink. What are the odds?).