Love Is All Around Us

It is Valentine’s Day so why not talk about love? There are many examples of love that I have been privileged to witness and not just the lovey-dovey kind found in commercials for Valentine’s Day chocolates or Viagra.

Love is going through life knowing you have someone on your side. Even when they drive you crazy sometimes.

Love is sitting by a friend’s side in spirit, through text, phone and email while her husband dies after putting up a valiant fight to live.

Love is another friend (GJ) finding creative ways to boost the spirit of our friend, Kathy, as she maintained a vigil as her husband passed after a brutal fight against Lewy Body Dementia. Then seeing that creativity take off in social media with a ritual of #coffeewithacaregiver.

Love is the persistent cat who thinks you should be petting him instead of pounding on the keyboard. And will lie down on the keyboard to prove his point.

Love is the outpouring of concern and worry over a social media friend who was in a very bad space. His friends and family were alerted and he was able to get the help that he needed in time. The kindness of “strangers” was such an example of pure love that it sticks with me to this day, several years after this happened. Those online connections cannot be dismissed.

Love is not only a gift of flowers and chocolates but the willingness to do the day to day care of a loved one.

Love is coffee dates, shopping and belly laughs with my daughter.

Love is a romantic proposal in the snow and puppy kisses to boot.

Love knows Other Brother is a phone call or text away and that he will answer every single time.

Love is a son who takes his mom to breakfast regularly and sees it as a blessing and not a chore.

Love is sisters being silly together – sometimes at a time others would consider inappropriate but we consider hilarious.


Love is seeing a son grow from a young man enjoying his party years to a young man with a passion for helping those in the military with depression.

Love is seeing Robert have a seizure and mid-seizure determinedly try to tell me he is NOT having a seizure. His speech was incoherent but his message was loud and clear in his eyes: epilepsy, this seizure, will not win!

Love is waking up to two big dogs, hogging the covers and the bed and not wanting to change a thing.

Love is being tired and exhausted but not wanting to be anywhere else. (Except the ocean; not going to lie.)

Love is sharing a closet 50/50 but letting it get to 75/25 without grumbling.

Love is sitting bedside with each parent as they pass from this life to their next. It is not easy to do but easing their transition was the most loving act I could do for them and them for me.

Love can be quiet, loud, in person, online, during happy times or difficult ones, while being silly or serious.

No question. Love is all around us.

Embrace every moment of it.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

With love,

Robert’s Sister

What Love Is

With Richard in the ICU due to a “pocket fill” of his intrathecal infusion pump device (causing an overdose of Fentanyl), we didn’t have much of a chance to celebrate our anniversary.  The best gift I received was Richard coming home the afternoon of our 16^th anniversary.

Since Richard has been home, I have been unusually nice to him (you know, because of that whole near death experience).

 

Love is . . . having fun! 

It’s starting to freak him out.

My excessive niceness is no doubt due to the fact that this was so unexpected, so serious and so frightening. I had never even heard of a “pocket fill” with this pain pump device so always thought of his refills as routine. He has the larger pump (40 ml) so only has to get it refilled every 60 days or so.  It also means more medication to fill in the pump – or to accidentally fill into his abdomen.

So while I am in this lovey-dovey mood (and since I didn’t get Richard a present), I thought I would write about our own experience and what love means to us.

It just so happens today is his birthday so Happy Birthday, Richard and Happy (belated) Anniversary! 

What Love Is:

Love is . . . blending two families together and seeing three smart, funny, productive citizens come of it.

Love is . . . going to the pound to pick out a dog to add to the family and voting on his name.

Love is . . . going to bed mad. Even waking up mad and staying mad (sometimes for quite a while) but knowing eventually things will be better. Whoever said “don’t go to bed mad” wasn’t married.

Love is . . . not noticing the grey hairs or extra weight or a wrinkle or two.

Love is . . . giving me flowers once a week for a year as a first anniversary present (he’s a lot mushier than I am).

Love is . . . accepting that I won’t be near as mushy as he can be.

Love is . . . reassuring him that I am not going anywhere when his pain and various medications make him – well, awful - to the kids or me.

Love is . . . going with him to doctor appointments and advocating for a better pain solution (a decade ago and again now).

Love is . . . not getting too angry when Rachel and I brought home another cat.

Love is . . . making me a mocha every day – even if it’s because he knows how grumpy I am without my caffeine.

Love is . . . giving up our “empty nest” to take care of Robert.

Love is . . . walking on the beach hand in hand.

Love is . . . sitting in the emergency room with me when my appendix was ready to burst.

Love is . . . sitting in the ICU with you after your doctor gave you an accidental overdose of Fentanyl.

Love is . . . holding you when you didn’t think you could handle much more pain.

Love is . . . being there with me the night my mom died.

Love is . . . letting me pick out the paint colors for the house and me letting you think you had some say in it.

Love is . . . a glance.

Love is . . . watching all the seasons of NCIS – in about six months.

Love is . . .surprising me with an exercise bike just because I wanted one (but still not commenting about the extra weight).

Love is . . . being so angry at each other that you wonder how you will even make it one more day. But you do. And then you make it another day and then another. And pretty soon, you realize that love isn’t all about butterflies, roses and rainbows; it’s about commitment.

Love is . . . holding hands while falling asleep, even with a bed full of two dogs and a cat.

Love is . . . not knowing what will come next but knowing we will be together when it does.

Happy birthday & anniversary, Richard! 

Love you.

CareGifters Book Series: Caregiving Love Stories Needed!

It is hard to believe but we are already moving into our second year of the CareGifters Book Series!  With Caregiving.com as the publisher, caregivers and their carees (and others involved in caregiving) as contributors and me (Trish Hughes Kreis) as editor, we published four books in 2012: Help, Comedy, Forgiveness and Gifts. 

Our next collaboration will be Love, due out in time for Valentine’s Day (noting my usual disclaimer: barring any caregiving emergencies).   

Because I know how caregiving can get in the way of the best of intentions, I am flexible with the deadline and the deadline to submit has been extended to January 28. 

The Love book will include your stories, poems, photos or artwork about love and caregiving.  Love has its ups and downs, challenges and rewards when caregiving – sometimes we even wonder where the love goes!  This book will explore as many shapes love comes in as possible.  Whatever love means to you or the one you care for will be shared with other caregivers. 

An added benefit of sharing our caregiving stories through these books is seeing we are not alone. 

What we experience, others experience. 

What we share helps us (because it’s good to get it out!) as well as others – in more ways than one: the money we raise through the CareGifters Book Series, goes toward the CareGifters Program which helps caregivers in need. 

Please see below for complete submission guidelines from Caregiving.com:
 

1. Your submission must be 1,500 words or less.

2. Your submission, in the form of an essay, short story, narrative or poem, must be related to the book’s theme of “Love.”

3. Your submission is, in essence, a donation. With your submission, you acknowledge you will not receive reimbursement upon the book’s publication.

4. We may not be able to include all submissions in the book. We will notify you whether or not your story will be included by January 29. Each published submission will feature the author’s by-line, bio and website link (if applicable).

5. To enter a submission, email your story by January 28 to love_story@caregiving.com. Please only attach Word or .txt documents (no PDFs). Include your name and phone number in your email.

I look forward to including your stories in our book! 

Everyone Loves a Party!

Hospitals, pneumonia and sepsis are behind us.  This past weekend was all about a party!

My hubby, Richard, and I have two daughters (his and hers) who are two months apart.  Step-sisters so close in age?  Yikes!  Sounds like a disaster in the making!  It hasn’t been – not even close.  They don’t just tolerate each other, they are best friends. Richard and I constantly shake our heads at our good fortune.

On Saturday, we celebrated their college graduation and couldn’t be prouder. 

Yummy and adorable!

(Well, I was actually pretty proud we were able to make these adorable chocolate graduation caps.  So easy even I could do it – thankfully, with a little help from hubby.).

We had enough people at the house to be grateful for a big backyard, an extra borrowed barbeque and college kids who know how to be comfortable in large, noisy crowds with barely enough seating. (Nice to know that college tuition was not wasted!).

A little tip: It helped to have invested in a five dollar table Ping-Pong set, a few red cups and a couple bottles of beer which turned out to be worth hours of entertainment.

A few days before the party, I called Robert to tell him I will pick him up early because we were having a graduation party for the girls.

He gave me his usual response of, “That sounds good” but sounded excited he was coming over a little earlier than usual.

There’s going to be a lot of people at the house, Robert.

Robert’s words don’t change but the big smile through the phone is evident. “That sounds good.”

Richard is going to barbeque hamburgers and hot dogs.

“That sounds really good.” Ha! The promise of one of his favorite foods gets him very excited about the weekend. 

Even though Robert didn’t deviate from his routine of sitting on the couch doing his word search puzzles (yes, during the party), he seemed to enjoy the commotion and the extra conversation and the food.  Definitely, the food. “The food is excellent” was his response to anyone who asked.  Followed by, “Can I have some Rocky Road Ice Cream?” (Some routines can’t be changed.)

The girls were relaxed and happy all day, visiting with friends, family and neighbors and probably more than a little thankful finals were a distant memory.

Even the dogs ran around soaking up the attention and way too many scraps of food (my protests to the brothers-in-law falling on deaf ears).

Congrats, girls!

Having a house full of people and hosting big parties is one of my favorite things even though it’s chaotic and exhausting and, days later, I am still picking up confetti (every party needs confetti!).

The smiles, laughter and happiness filling the house – yes, even the chaos – while celebrating life’s milestones is what family is all about. (That and a lot of food!).

Congratulations, girls. You two make me smile every day!

Goodbye Wayward Son, Hello Airman!

Airman Son & Sisters

Remember Wayward Son?  No effort from him.  Lots of frustration from me (and his dad).  His high school years were a struggle for all of us. Even the animals got sick of all the yelling in the house.

Well, he is now a graduate of Air Force Basic Training!

I actually didn’t believe it when people told me we would see a remarkable difference after Basic Training.  My thoughts ranged from, “I wonder if you can actually die from video game withdrawal” to “what can they do in eight weeks that we couldn’t do in several years” to “please, take him.  Help!”

Our family flew to San Antonio, Texas for the graduation event.  I made the flight reservations early and told Wayward Son that he better graduate because I didn’t want to waste a flight and was going to San Antonio to visit Sea World whether he graduated or not.  (I know – I’m such a mean mommy!).

Happily for us, we saw him graduate and, (bonus!), I still got to visit Sea World. 

During one of the graduation ceremonies yet before we were actually able to see our Airman Son, one of the speakers apparently read my mind because he said, “Parents, when you see your child you will wonder how we were able to transform them in eight short weeks when you couldn’t do it in several years.”

They were not kidding.

This boy who, just a couple of months ago, had no inkling of what it was like to think of anyone but himself and argued with us about anything and everything just for sport, held doors open for us, spoke to us with respect, told us he loved us and carried himself like a man. 

He even seemed a little taller.

He had a group of peers who showed him respect (he’s showing leadership skills!) and he talked about one or two people in the flight who were “recycled” because they weren’t team players and would just sit around while everyone else did chores and worked. (Hmm, sounds vaguely familiar).

He excitedly told us about his new job (a mechanic on the B-52) and how proud of himself he was that he had to undergo a more extensive background check in order to be accepted into the program (and I was quietly grateful his wayward ways hadn’t led to anything more major than costly traffic tickets). 

Even though I am not this boy’s “real” mom, concerns about the choices he was making before enlisting clouded my vision of his future.  I am the step-mom, the one who has no problem stepping aside to let his mom and dad hug him and love on him first upon seeing him at his graduation but I do feel like his mom and have helped raise him, have worried about him and did my best to teach him to be polite and loving and compassionate. 

Many times, it felt as if these lessons were going into a black hole.

The mom in me has to fully admit that I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of sending this boy into the military, particularly during a time of conflict.  I know I was supposed to be proud and pleased that he was going to serve our country but as a self-described pacifist, I had difficulty mustering up a supportive “HOORAH!” 

The mom in me wanted him to choose another path which didn’t involve putting himself in harm’s way but somehow kick started him to a productive and happy future.

Now that I’ve seen him though, and who he has become, I am (for once) happy he didn’t listen to me. 

I am proud of my Airman Son and proud to call myself an Air Force Mom. My eyes well up when he recites the Airman’s Creed with passion and honor and shouts the last line of the Airman’s Creed, in unison with his fellow Airman: I WILL NOT FAIL!

No, you won’t Airman Son.  I believe that now. 

You will not fail.

Everyone Wants a Little Love

Happy Valentine’s Day!  (And to my east coast friends reading this tomorrow: Happy Day After Valentine’s Day!).

Robert didn’t come over this past weekend because Hubby and I had a family birthday party to attend out of town.  New Home took Robert and his roommates bowling and kept him so occupied, I didn’t hear from him all weekend.  I did visit on Sunday to stock him up on 7-Up and razors (thankfully, he still has plenty of pens!). 

When I saw him on Sunday, he told me he was able to watch church (yay for the cable install!) and he told me he got the highest score in bowling.  He said the weekend was “excellent.”  Lately, Robert has moved from describing things as “nice” to “excellent” so I’m thinking he’s pretty happy. 

He was in a joking mood and as his older sister I get to tease him a bit, so reminded him Valentine’s Day was in a few days and maybe he’d get a girlfriend at his Day Program.

“I wish I would,” was his all-of-a-sudden very serious response. 

Ouch!  Someone take away my Big Sister card.   I certainly wouldn’t have teased him about having a girlfriend if I had known love was weighing on his mind. 

Robert has known love in his life.  He was with Judy (who also has epilepsy) for more than 20 years and they lived together, took care of each other, loved each other and would have married had it not affected their Social Security benefits. 

One of the hardest decisions I’ve made in caring for Robert was separating him from Judy when it became apparent he could no longer safely live independently.  Once I moved Robert to Sacramento from his home 90 miles away, our dad brought Judy to visit.  That only lasted a few months before Judy called Robert to say she didn’t love him anymore and she wouldn’t visit him any longer. 

Robert was deeply hurt.  Robert’s emotions are usually fairly even (he doesn’t get too excited or upset about things) but I suspected he might act out since this was such a huge event.  I explained the situation to the facility he was living in and warned them he might act out but they were still surprised when he did act out by getting angry with another resident and a nurse.   

That was two years ago and Robert still calls Judy on occasion.  They talk briefly but they no longer have the connection they shared for 20+ years. 

Having a girlfriend is important to Robert.  When he moved from his old facility, he was asked what he’d like to have at his new home or his new Day Program.  What he said was, “I’d like to have a girlfriend.” 

Robert is safe and healthy now, he spends most weekends with us so he isn’t without family, and he enjoys his Day Program and has several friends and thinks that events and food are “excellent.”  Robert is one happy guy.  

The only thing missing right now is a little bit of love.  Everyone wants to be loved and to have someone to love and I have faith love will again find Robert.  

I would be delighted to have you share your love stories or your search for love in the comment section!