Catching Up

It has been quite a while since I posted in this space.

I miss it.

I miss writing. I miss sharing my caregiving journey in the hopes of helping others. I miss the connections with those who grace me with their time reading my random thoughts and I miss the comments people share.

I miss getting these random thoughts out of my head. If you have ever struggled with a decision (and, frankly, who hasn’t) you most likely know it helps to write down your thoughts and (my personal favorite) a pros & cons list.

Writing helps sort through what is swirling in our brain and usually gives me some clarity.

So here I am. I am back! My plan is to not wait another two years to write another post.

Let’s get caught up.

My last post was about our decision to place Robert in a facility. That was in May of 2022.

We searched and searched for facilities for Robert. We used his Regional Center to help us find the right facility for him. We toured several and Robert was enthusiastic about each one.

We searched for almost two years and were rejected by every facility. “He has too many seizures.” “He is big and needs a lot of physical assistance and we have small staff.” “Our hallways are too small to accommodate any more people in wheelchairs.” “He requires too much care.”

In the middle of our search, Robert was hospitalized for aspiration pneumonia. I explained our situation to the nurses and they were very sympathetic. They suggested I discuss finding a facility with the discharge planner once Robert was ready to go home.

I did as they suggested and talked to the discharge planner. She was unable to find a facility for long-term care. I asked her to find a place for short-term rehab since he would need it after being hospitalized for ten days and she pushed back and asked if I would take him home after that. I told her if I could but that I would find out from them at that time if they could take him long-term. She said that is called “dumping” if I didn’t plan to take him home and she couldn’t risk her reputation with these facilities if I did that. At that point she refused to look for short-term rehab options and only came up with a couple of very low rated long-term options for me.

I was sick to my stomach. I would never abandon Robert but I knew I could no longer care for him. I had been trying to find a facility for him for almost two years! I was so angry that I just had him released back home – without the rehab he needed – so we were in a worse position than when we started.

Robert eventually got up to baseline with the help of outside PT and Richard and I using the lift during the worst of it.

Several months later, I needed to have a few minor surgeries so I found a Skilled Nursing Facility to keep him for a month while I had the surgeries and recovered without having to do the physical care Robert needed. I ended up needing more “respite” time because of infections after my MOHS surgeries and needing cataract surgery on my other eye. Robert ended up in the hospital with Covid that he contracted in the facility and was able to return to the facility once he recovered so he could have physical therapy to get stronger.

Robert then contracted RSV and was again hospitalized, recovered and returned to the facility again for rehab.

In the meantime, we welcomed our first grandson and have since welcomed another along with our granddaughter! 

One day while cleaning out the closet at Robert’s facility, I read the care notes left for the CNAs. “Two person assist.”

Oof.

I was doing Robert’s care at home by myself (although Richard helped as much as he could) so seeing “two person assist” in writing really hit me.

I told the facility I was unable to care for Robert in our home any longer. I had the hospital discharge nurse’s words in my head: this is “dumping.”

It is pretty typical to experience guilt after placing a loved one in a facility but to think you are now doing something called “dumping” increases that guilt exponentially.

I really wasn’t dumping him. I was doing what was best for all of us and had no other option.

Robert has been in the same facility now for almost a year and a half and gets very good care. Yes, I still have to stay on them for various issues but, to be honest, he is living his best life. Everyone loves him there (residents and staff alike) and he participates in all the activities. He’s the bingo king and even has former residents sending him gifts and cards. As he likes to say, he is doing “super, amazing, excellent and great, great, great!”

For almost every day of that year and a half I wondered if I did the right thing by moving Robert to the facility. Friends and family assured me it was for the best but I still had that nagging doubt. Seeing him so happy and well cared for helped. Being able to spend time with our new grandson without worrying about Robert was amazing. Going on vacation with Richard without the worry of finding respite care was a welcome relief.

Still, my doubts always found a way to creep in.

Until Richard had his cardiac arrest.

I now really truly know in my heart Robert is in the best place for him but that it is also the best situation for us.

While I will continue to write about Robert and spread awareness about epilepsy, I will also write about the experience with Richard’s cardiac arrest and his recovery in the hopes it will help other caregivers.

Thank you again for your time and your support!

The Caregiving Snowball

It’s hard to tell when you’re in what I call the caregiving snowball.

Here’s how it works: you have survived the beginning of caregiving where everything is whirlwind: doctors’ appointments, diagnoses, documents to create, decisions to make but then things get pretty steady. Things are certainly not easy but steady enough to establish routines with only occasional hospitalizations or emergencies.  The length of this period is as varied as there are caregiving situations.  Some skip it altogether and go straight to the snowball. 

The crew happy to be home

The snowball is when things get crazy. 

There are possibly several falls, repeated illnesses and multiple hospitalizations or stays in a Skilled Nursing Facility. The rebounding isn’t quite like it used to be. It takes longer to recover from pneumonia or a fall.

The days of routine look pretty good right about now. 

Sometimes I wonder if we are in the snowball period with both Robert and Carol. I think it’s really impossible to tell when a caregiver is actually in it but, boy, it sure feels like it sometimes.

We have to celebrate with cake!

Robert has gone from getting sick with bronchitis or pneumonia one or two times a year to four to six times a year. It is getting more difficult to treat him at home when he becomes ill because his mobility goes out the window and he goes downhill so quickly. Not to mention the oral antibiotics that his doctors prescribe are losing their efficacy. He requires IV antibiotics when he’s this sick and that’s something we can’t do at home.

Recovery takes much, much longer. He may end up in the hospital for a week but then needs a few weeks in a SNF to get his strength back. Even when he’s back home, there is a noticeable decline.

The snowball to me means longer recovery times and a steady, permanent decline in Robert’s overall health and mobility.

With Carol, she may have more frequent falls and hospitalizations but she seems to bounce back without an additional decline. At least, if she has a decline in mobility it’s more minor than I have witnessed in Robert.

Freedom!

Both Robert and Carol are back home and the caregiving snowball has been on my mind. They both got home on a Thursday and by Friday, Robert couldn’t walk, had a very tight cough and was exhibiting his usual symptoms of getting sick. His vitals were good but I was concerned, especially since he had choked/coughed a lot during the welcome home dinner!

Thankfully, Robert had a scheduled appointment with his pulmonologist who did an ultrasound to see if there was any fluid lurking in his lungs and agreed with me that antibiotics would help stave off any possibility of an infection. A couple of days of rest and the antibiotics as well as his more aggressive nebulizer treatment (three times a day instead of the usual two) seems to be working. Robert is moving around a bit better but we’re not pushing it. He is using the wheelchair more than usual but we are also letting him walk with the walker for short distances so he can build up his strength.

Sleeping but happy

Carol is sleeping quite a bit but Richard is making sure she is taking her medication and drinking water as well as eating a little something. She eats then goes back to sleep. Sometimes this is an indication she has something brewing but we are chalking it up to not getting good sleep in the facility. (Because we are going to think positive!)

So I don’t know if we are in the caregiving snowball yet or not. I’m happy to have Robert and Carol home, just where they belong and whether we are or not in the snowball really doesn’t matter since Richard and I will move along this journey where it leads us.

I am grateful to have Richard beside me during this crazy caregiving experience and, if we are in the snowball, well – we both love a good snowball fight so I guess things will work out just fine.

My co-pilot

Juggling, Teamwork and a Little Hope

My IT guy at work juggled three oranges at work the other day and made it look pretty easy.  (I then told him to get back to work.)  I have tried to learn to juggle but I am not quite coordinated enough. The juggling I do involves caregiving, medical appointments and various emergencies. 

Caregivers are experts at this type of juggling and sometimes even while we work. 

Thankfully, Richard helps with juggling our appointments.  We have a loose division of duties: he takes his mom to her appointments, I take Robert to his, Richard goes to his own and I go to my own.  (Hopefully, mine will be short-lived.  My MRI results came back normal(!) and I only have a follow-up with the neurologist. Then I’m crossing myself off the appointment list!)

Family!

We have pre- and post- surgery appointments, wound therapy, neurology, epileptologist, GP, pulmonary, ENT and cardiology appointments.  There’s pain specialists, physical therapy, lab work and x-rays when something is not quite right (like suspected pneumonia or artificial knee pain).

With the regular appointments and even ER visits or hospital stays we somehow manage to keep on track.  (It helps that Richard, Carol and I coordinate our calendars to be sure we all have the same information.) 

Sometimes we have to call in extra help, though.  Richard’s brothers, either Mark or Jim, will take Carol to her appointments if they conflict with one of Richard’s appointments.  Rach jumped in to take me to the ER so Richard and Carol could stay home with Robert and has stayed home with Robert while I pick up Richard from the hospital. Mark and Carol jumped in to help with Robert when he was sick and I needed to take Richard to get staples out of his leg.  

In other words, we juggle.

And we are very lucky. We are extremely fortunate to have the support of our families as I know many caregivers do not have that option. 

I am extraordinarily grateful to our family for their help and, while it is difficult for me to ask for help, sometimes I actually do it.

Robert has a VEEG (video EEG) coming up next week which requires him to be in the hospital for five days.  It also requires someone to be with him all the time.  As in, day and night.  To be clear, I am talking about all 24 hours in a day.  For a week.  And, we have to be alert and awake the whole time in order to push a button when he has a seizure.

I do tend to take on a lot but even I realize neither one of us can stay awake all week.  Heck, I don’t even think it would be possible for just me and Richard to do it.  (Although, that was our initial plan.)

I texted Other Brother for help.  I explained the situation, told him I was making a schedule and asked if he was able to come up to be with Robert for a shift.

“You mean like through the night?”

I know.  It’s a big ask.  It would be nice to have an extra relief person so Richard and I weren’t doing the whole week.

“How long are the shifts?  Are there any food or bathroom breaks?”

I gave him more info about how the whole thing works, logistically.  Of course, I am just going off of the booklet the hospital mailed us – I haven’t actually done this before so don’t know how it will actually go.  I mean, does the nurse come in and poke us if we accidentally doze off?  Does the guest chair trigger alarm bells if there’s no movement for a few minutes?  Or does it just spring us out of the chair to wake us up?

After ribbing him for all of his questions (as only an older sister can), Other Brother offered to take two of the overnights which was a huge help. I thanked him profusely!

“Can I take a laptop?”

Oh crap. I thought for sure this was a deal breaker. 

Um, no.  No laptops or phones.  We can’t have the signals interfering with the monitoring equipment.  I did suggest long bathroom breaks if he had to use his phone . . .

Carol and Robert share a special bond

I created a schedule for the three of us and sent it to Other Brother.  He reviewed it with his wife who suggested he stay in a hotel for a few days so he’s not driving back and forth on no sleep.   He can do his shift, sleep in the hotel, drive the hour or so back to home/work and then repeat it the next day. (Good thinking!)  Other Brother revised the schedule, adding another overnight shift for him with even longer hours.  What a wonderful surprise and such a huge help!

Carol is planning on holding down the home front and doing laundry and caring for the dogs while Richard and I take turns at the hospital and I try to go into work for an hour or two.  In fact, she feels ready to move back to her own home but is postponing it so she can help us out. (We wish she wouldn’t move home but that’s a different story.)  Rach and Matt are planning visits to the hospital to check on us and to the house to check on Grandma.  Mark even offered to take a shift but he recently started a new job and I don’t want him missing work on our account. 

We are very lucky indeed!

We all see the value in the VEEG and know how important it is for Robert to have this testing.  This is a step toward getting the Neuropace for Robert which seems to be a very promising treatment for him!  Robert’s new neurologist thinks he is a great candidate for the Neuropace and thinks this could significantly reduce his seizures.  If that happens, he might even be able to reduce some of his meds.  Can you imagine?! 

Everyone is willing to pitch in because we all see the possibilities of this new device.  We see the hope.  We see Robert’s fervent wish and prayer to be seizure-free as close to possible as we’ve been. 

This is truly a team effort of juggling to support each other.  That is what family is all about and I am so grateful. 

The Perfect Day; the Not So Perfect Respite

My daughter’s wedding was the perfect day. Absolutely perfect.

Rachel and her fiancé (ack! Husband!) planned every last detail to perfection. Matt (her husband – see? I’m starting to get the hang of that), even called it a “Pinterest Perfect” wedding. And it was!

Rachel and Matt
First Dance

Every mom wants her daughter to have the best day on her wedding day and I am very confident Rachel did. Everyone felt the love and joy and had a wonderful, lovely, fun, laughter-filled  – yes, even excellent – time.

A week after the wedding they still have that after-wedding glow. (Pretty good since they’ve been together for eleven years – high school sweethearts!)  Sigh.

I just love love!

I have to add I was quite proud when I realized Rach was using spreadsheets to plan her special day. Yep, that’s my girl!

I did my share of planning for the care of Robert and our pets since we would be out of town for a few days for the wedding.

We used pet sitters referred by a friend and introduced all the animals to them several times before we left. I labeled all the cupboards with post-it notes, labeled the medications and supplements and also created an “About” document for each dog (and even the turtle!). The staff at Peaceful Pets was amazing! The two sitters who visited and stayed with our babies sent photos and an update every day and I was so thrilled (and a little amazed) there were no issues – just lots of loving care.

Planning for Robert’s respite care started last fall. Since Robert is a client of the local Regional Center, we get 14 days of respite care per year.  

In theory.

In reality, we haven’t had a respite day in two years. Robert’s case worker tells me that finding a care home to temporarily take a male, mostly non-mobile client (Robert needs assistance if walking with a walker and when transferring from his wheelchair) is pretty much impossible.

I accepted that and realize I am luckier than many since Robert has a terrific day program to go to during the day while I am at work. However, I really wanted to spend a few days (and a few overnights) of non-caregiving time to help Rach with the last minute details of her wedding and to fully enjoy and experience this important life event.

I felt a little guilty not including Robert but I knew he would be just as happy hearing about the wedding and seeing the pictures. Those who know Robert know this to be true.

So last fall, I asked Robert’s case worker to please find a place for him for five nights.

I knew this was not a sure thing so I simultaneously worked on Plan B: finding a Skilled Nursing Facility to take Robert and paying for it out of pocket. I hoped I could talk Other Brother into this private pay option. (Thankfully, Other Brother is very generous and readily agreed to pay for it.)

I chose the facility that Robert is familiar with and where he stayed after his hospital stay three years ago. He received good care then and I thought the familiarity of the facility would result in a successful respite stay. I wanted Robert to be happy and well-cared for and ready for some wedding stories when he came home.  

In preparation for Robert’s stay, one of his neurologists wrote an order for a respite stay. I sent her Robert’s medication list and schedule which she included with her order.  I called to confirm the orders had been received and confirmed the dates of respite.

The admissions director was pleasant and assured me everything was ready for Robert. We discussed the time of day to drop him off since I didn’t want to bring him during a busy time, such as a shift change.

I updated my “About Robert” document which explains how he needs help dressing and bathing, what his seizures look like, his incontinence as well as his little quirks and his love for Rocky Road ice cream (I always like to throw that in since it is so important to Robert).

I now wonder if I stressed enough how much assistance he needs when transferring from his wheelchair. I thought I was clear but doubt is creeping in.

When it came time for respite, I loaded the car with incontinent supplies, Robert’s suitcase, walker, razor and toothpaste and, of course, his word search book (and an extra one, just in case). I took Robert in and met the nurse and the CNA. They asked me if I had the admissions packet.

Um, no. I don’t even know what that is.

What hospital did he come from?

Hmm. They sounded confused at first then assured me they knew Robert was coming but explained there was usually an admission packet. I told them I didn’t have that but I gave them a copy of the medication chart/schedule as well as his “About Robert” document.

Before I could bring in the rest of his supplies, Robert needed to use the restroom. I took this opportunity to show the CNA just how much assistance Robert needs to transfer to the toilet. She was grateful I was showing her what we did at home. She also said she would read the “About Robert” document and would be with Robert during the morning shift the next few days.

Awesome – consistency.  

After getting Robert settled and making sure the nurse had the medication schedule, I left while Robert ate lunch. Robert was happy and enjoyed meeting the nurse and CNA.

Later that afternoon, I received three calls from the facility about various admission questions and paperwork. They wanted me to return to sign some documents. (You know, I was just there!) I explained I was getting ready to go out of town and could not come back to sign any paperwork. The rep seemed satisfied with that and said we could handle everything when I picked Robert up on Monday.

I received another call the next day with the same questions. Different rep, same questions. Goodness, people! Get it together! I gave her the same explanation and she said that was fine. I asked how Robert was doing and she checked on him for me. She called me back to say he was doing great.

At noon on Friday, I received a voicemail to call the facility.  I called back and was told Robert was “found on the floor” of his bathroom with all of his clothes off.

Photo taken Sunday, July 9

What do you mean “found on the floor?” Wasn’t someone with him?

Apparently not. The nurse explained that Robert wheeled himself to his room and then went to the bathroom by himself.

My first question was if he was wearing his helmet (phew - he was) and if he was hurt (they said he wasn’t). The nurse said they would check vitals every 15 minutes to be sure he was okay. I stressed (and I mean stressed) that he cannot go to the bathroom by himself. HE NEEDS ASSISTANCE!

I was pretty clear.

The nurse said he completely understood and was very apologetic.

I tried calling the facility seven times on Saturday (wedding day!!) but we were in the mountains and service was sketchy. (I found myself doing what a friend who lives in a rural area of Arkansas does – holding my arms out above my head in search of service.) No luck.

The wedding day activities picked up and I stopped trying to call. (I was pretty busy making sure my recurring tears weren’t ruining my make-up!)

Just before 10:00 p.m. (and during the wedding reception!) I glanced at my phone and saw a missed call from the facility from a couple of hours earlier.

Well, crap. This can’t be good.

I was able to use a land line and got through to the facility.

Photo taken Sunday, July 9

Robert had fallen. Again. This time, the nurse tried to blame Robert “he was eating dinner in the dining room then just wheeled himself into his room and tried to use the bathroom.”

Oh. I see.

The person who you were told needs assistance was left to his own devices and fell.

Twice in four days.

I can understand an accident (heck, Robert has fallen in our care before. Accidents do happen.) To me, this wasn’t an accident – this was from people not paying attention. I left these people in charge of Robert’s care and expected him to be returned in the same shape as I left him.

Certainly not worse!

I had planned to pick Robert up on Monday but we got back into town mid-afternoon on Sunday so I decided to pick him up early. I really couldn’t risk Robert falling a third day in a row.

I called the facility to inform them I would pick Robert up in about an hour. The nurse was resistant to me doing so and told me she had to call the on-call doctor or would have to mark Robert as leaving “against medical advice.” She then told me if that happened she couldn’t release his medications to me. What the heck?

I told her I would be there to pick him up and to do what she could to get Robert released. This was the same nurse who called me the night before about the fall and I reminded her why I was picking him up early.

By the time I got to the facility, everything was set for his release. The CNA had packed up his belongings and the nurse gave me his medications. I asked for their medication schedule so I knew what he had taken so far that day. There was a great deal of consternation about providing that to me since there were nurses’ names on the schedule. They finally were able to print out a list of the medications and when they were supposed to have been administered.

I reviewed the list before I left the facility and realized they completely changed the medication schedule that I (and the doctor) had given them! The two medications that have to be taken with meals were not given with meals at all. The bedtime dose of Zonegran had been switched to the morning which made no sense! If I hadn’t asked what he had been given that day, I would have doubled his dose of Zonegran for the day!

Of course, the switch in the medication schedule very well could have contributed to his falls – who knows if a seizure made him fall or if the change in medication made his balance even worse than it already is!

Photo taken Thursday, July 13

On top of the revised schedule, they ordered extra medication for two of his prescriptions. I gave them enough medication for the respite stay plus an extra day as a back-up. They didn’t need to order more meds! I asked if this was going to cause an issue with his regular prescription schedule and the nurse said she didn’t know. The CNA chimed in that I should take the medications just in case it does. I took it but don’t know why it was ordered in the first place. It was completely unnecessary.

As I was checking the medications to be sure they returned all of them to me, the nurse told me that Robert had a small bruise on his right hip.

We finally left and it was time to get Robert into bed by the time we got home. I changed him and that is when I saw his bruise.

Oh. My. God.

It was larger than the size of a softball and very dark and green. I then noticed a scrape on the back of his leg and another bruise under his right arm.

A small bruise?! Not even close. Thankfully, Robert didn’t remember falling and has a very high pain tolerance. Nothing hurt him at all. Robert did not remember anything about the facility except they had great food. I am so very grateful for this small miracle.

I worried about the bruise, though, since it looked so terrible and I made an appointment with his primary doctor the next day. She was kind enough to get us in even though it meant double-booking an appointment. She examined all of his bruises and the scrape and told us to ice the hip bruise. She said it was in the general area of the liver and gave me signs to watch for that would indicate a liver problem.

I couldn’t believe how serious this could be! After the appointment, I called the admissions director and told him I had just come from the doctor with Robert. He knew nothing about any of the falls but was very apologetic. I asked for the fall reports and a refund. He said he would definitely bump my concerns up to his “team” and would call me back.

When he hadn’t yet called me by mid-day on Tuesday, I called him. He promised the fall reports but said they needed to be retrieved from the medical records department. He also said he couldn’t give me a refund. I reminded him that Robert came home in worse shape than he went in and he apologized but he couldn’t get the refund approved.

I next left a message for the facility director who never called me back.

Late that afternoon, the admissions director called me back to say the reports were coming “soon” and that I would get a refund after all.

Hmm. I’ll believe it when I see it (which I haven’t at this writing).

It took two more days to get the fall reports (which indicated “no injury” with regards to both falls!).  I understand that bruising can show up after a day or two but the nurse TOLD me about the bruise. She had to have seen how big it was and yet there was no mention of it in the reports.

I was absolutely livid. How could the care be so bad in such a short period of time? Of course, I did what I usually do (and what many caregivers do): wonder how I could have done things differently in order to get a better result. Better instructions? More phone calls? Maybe with Robert’s cognitive issues he shouldn’t be in a skilled facility?

Ugh. No. I had to stop. I prepared for this. I told them Robert needed assistance (and certainly stressed it after the first fall). This was not my fault.

This was on them.  

I filed a report with the licensing agency for this facility and notified them about the falls and medication issues. My hope is that the investigation results in better care for others in the facility.

Thankfully, Robert’s bruises and scrape are healing and there does not appear to be any liver damage. His seizures haven’t increased due to the medication incompetence (and, thankfully, I didn’t overdose him when I brought him home).

Things could have been much, much worse and since sharing this experience I have heard from several people who did have much worse experiences when leaving their relatives in the care of a skilled facility. A few had horrific experiences.

I understand many of these facilities are understaffed so I actually do not blame the nurses or the CNAs. I really think they try to do their best (except the nurses who change medication schedules. Those nurses I do blame!!).  The reason I filed a complaint is not to get the staff in trouble but in order to make sure the administration sees there are problems and, hopefully, decide to increase staffing ratios or make other changes so no one else suffers because of neglect or lack of resources.

Those of us who can advocate for better care must do so not only for our own loved ones but for those who cannot speak for themselves. Most of the residents of a skilled facility are in no position to advocate for themselves and many of them do not have someone who can advocate for them.

Rachel and Matt
After the "I Dos"

The softy in me loves love and I am so grateful to have been part of Rachel and Matt’s perfect day. (I still get teary when thinking about their wedding!)

The fighter in me also believes in advocacy and tenacity and I promise I will not stop insisting on quality care for not only Robert but others like him.

We all deserve love and we all deserve the best possible care when we cannot provide it for ourselves.

I will keep you posted on the investigation but, in the meantime, please share your own Skilled Nursing Facility experiences (good or bad). 

It's the Moments that Connect Us

Moments are what make caregiving special. The endless days of routine mixed with crisis can be exhausting and frustrating and overwhelming but when we can hang on to the moments - that is what can turn exasperation into delight.

I can’t really consider myself my dad’s caregiver because before he died he didn’t want me going to doctor appointments with him or telling him what he should be doing to manage his end stage renal failure.

Dad was given six months once the renal failure was diagnosed and it was six months later that he died. His cancer most likely had returned, causing the renal failure, but we cannot know that since he wouldn’t let the doctors do any testing.

Dad hated doctors and was positive they were trying to kill him so he avoided them and didn’t believe them when he had no choice but to see them. Refills of pain medications and Viagra are the only reasons Dad would see a doctor.

I insisted on seeing his doctor with him in order to fully understand what was going on. Dad was only 67 years old – surely there could be treatment for him. Dad was more stubborn than me, though, (I know – hard to believe!) and refused to let me see his doctor.

“I don’t want to be mad at you for making me go on dialysis.”

It is really hard to argue with that plea so I backed off.

Dad had always done things his own way so why would the end of his life be any different?

Dad was a character who tried my patience but who also made me laugh and gave me so many moments to remember him by. Having a close relationship with his siblings has given me a peak into who he was as a son and brother, too. At his funeral, one of his many brothers said Dad was always the “ray of light” in the family.

Dad did have a way of making us laugh! I probably laughed the most when Dad was driving one of his many convertibles and his toupee flew off his head! He literally pulled over on the side of the freeway, backed up and got out to retrieve it. I don’t know how he wasn’t killed but that moment still makes me laugh!

He has been gone for seven years but I keep learning new things about him.

My cousin, Steve, shared a wonderful memory of Dad. “When I first started working at a "serious" job, he spent time with me to discuss sales, confidence, and how to talk to people of all types...and, while it may sound surprising, how to not take $#!+ from people in a diplomatic way. The fact that he took that time with me is something I still hold onto. Love you, Uncle Al.”

Actually, that isn’t surprising at all! Dad would never take crap from anyone. One moment I shared with him is when he was buying a new car. Dad loved to drive a new Cadillac (although he went through a Lincoln and then a Jaguar phase too). I was with him at the car dealer and Dad was always either “rolling in dough” or asking me to borrow $20 for cigarettes and Diet Pepsi. Dad was more on the side of needing to borrow money when he decided he needed a new Cadillac.

I met him at the car dealer and while he paced through the showroom, several sales people were pouring over his application. They asked him about a mark on his credit and he went off on a rant about how that was a bunch of “bullshit” and he didn’t owe that person anything. I couldn’t believe he was bulldozing the sales people and just watched them look at him, almost entranced.

He drove out of there with a brand new Cadillac.

No one out-sells my dad.

That self-assurance translated to his family relationships too. My Aunt Judy recently told me that “your dad would always take the baked beans at a picnic and hide under a tree and eat them.” Of course he did! He was not concerned about social graces or that others might want the baked beans! Many years later, Dad would always bring the baked beans to our Thanksgiving dinners and after hearing this story, I suspect he stole Aunt Judy’s recipe. Oh dad!

Once Dad became a grandpa there was no end of crazy antics! He was not one to ooh and aah while I was pregnant but once Rachel popped out he went bananas. He loved being around her and my brother’s kids who came later. All three of them have moments to remember of their “crazy grandpa.”

For as seemingly self-centered he was, he was almost magical in his ability to mail out birthday and holiday cards so they arrived on the exact day we were celebrating.

Rachel said, “He would call me every Halloween and pretend to be Frankenstein, no matter how old I was!” And he did! Rachel was in college and still getting those calls from Frankenstein. We joke now how much he would love seeing Rachel get married but would be flirting mercilessly with all of her bridesmaids. 

Dad’s oldest brother took Dad’s death very hard. Uncle Ernie is the patriarch of the family and takes his role very seriously. He is kind and family-oriented and beloved. His memory of Dad especially touched my heart. “Being silly kind of runs in the family. Al had a great sense of humor and he could make you laugh. He really was Dad's favorite son. He was so proud of Al's ability. I miss him a lot. I do wish I could have seen him more often.”

As he lay dying in the hospital, Dad would pop up off the pillow, out of his confused state and ask, “Am I dying? Am I dying?’ I reassured him he would be fine and he would turn his head to Rachel, giving her a shrug and flashing a grin that told us he was accepting this experience just like every other unexpected and crazy experience in his life.  

The night before his funeral I had a dream of him flying through the sky in his red convertible and giving me a wave with that same grin on his face.

Each of us has these moments that stay with us and sharing them with one another is what connects our family.

That and love. Love, no matter how crazy the antics or frustrating the behavior, will always connect us.

Wishing you many moments to remember and love.

Happy Father’s Day!