The Almost Perfect Day

Thanksgiving is my absolute most favorite holiday. Christmas is a close second but Thanksgiving has to take the top prize because it is all about spending time with family and friends and there isn’t the pressure of racing to find the perfect gift. 

(That's what the day after Thanksgiving is for!)

Richard and I love hosting Thanksgiving dinner and we have done so for years. Sometimes we have a small group but some years we have 20+! This year we had 19 and that was without two of the kids (Christopher is stationed in North Dakota and Caty and her mom were visiting him).

I had a few moments of panic since we haven’t hosted that many in our new house but I felt much better once I did a trial run of how to set up the tables. Not all the tables could fit in one room and I was down one chair but it was doable. (Although I do have to remember to buy another folding chair for next year!)

My two biggest worries were that Puppy would be stressed out and bark at all the new people all day long and that the food wouldn’t be done (or hot) all at the same time.

Thankfully, a few cut up hot dogs to make Puppy happy kept the barking to a minimum. He had to tell us when new people came through the door, of course, but once he realized new people equaled hot dogs he was happy to see more people streaming through. The more the merrier!

My planning for a beautiful table started well in advance but I realized I was still a little stressed when I couldn’t decide on what tablecloths to use. I wanted to use new sheets so people could use markers to write on them during dinner. We’ve done this at past dinners and had such fun playing tic-tac-toe or writing humorous sayings or drawing goofy pictures.

The tablecloths are a cherished tradition of our family Thanksgivings.

However, after buying, washing and drying three sets of white sheets (why in the world can you not buy just a top sheet?!), I realized white didn’t really go with my gold décor.

So, after buying, washing and drying three sets of tan sheets and setting them up on the table I realized the sheets weren’t a sturdy cotton but more of a microfiber. HOW ARE WE GOING TO WRITE ON THESE SHEETS???

After running to the store the night before Thanksgiving to buy yet another three sets of thick cotton, tan sheets I realized – in the middle of the store – that I was perhaps being a little obsessive about the damn sheets. I left a basket full of sheets in the middle of the store and went home to finish baking pies.

The tan, microfiber sheets were going to be good enough. (I had to repeat this a hundred times but, eventually, I believed it.)

I set the table: I used my mom’s china plates as well as a mix of china plates that my dad sold door-to-door. The silverware was pulled out of a felt-lined box that is only used for Thanksgiving. Salt and Pepper shakers were filled (one set given to us by Carol, Richard’s mom) and the new, fancy candle holders from Carol were set on the table with brand new gold taper candles.

Everyone got a permanent marker to write on the sheets-turned-tablecloths.

Thanksgiving morning was full of turkey prep (by Richard) and me peeling potatoes and yams. The weather cooperated so Richard could barbecue the turkey in the sunshine instead of under a tarp in the rain.

It was chaos in the kitchen once everyone started arriving with their specialties but it was that fun kind of chaos with lots of laughter and jostling with hugs and, occasionally, me running to get Puppy chopped up hot dogs when someone new arrived.

I remember saying “no, thank you” to each offer of help as each new person arrived. Thankfully my default answer of all offers of help was ignored or the food would not have been done and warm by the time it was time to eat. It was busy and crowded in the kitchen but the dinner was a team effort and I was grateful my refusal to accept help was ignored.

My one regret of the day was telling Carol “no, thank you” when she offered to come into the kitchen to help. She was the one person who took me at my word and turned to sit down and visit as I asked. I didn’t realize until the following day that her feelings had been hurt that I didn’t invite her into the chaos and laughter of the kitchen.

As the matriarch of the family, Carol felt marginalized, minimized and disrespected. And I did that.

Ouch.

Of course, it was unintentional but to know my actions caused hurt feelings to a woman I adore and love was devastating. I love participating in making memorable moments and this was a moment that I completely missed.

My reasons for suggesting she sit and visit were practical enough (she has trouble staying steady without a walker and the kitchen is small and was already over-crowded with all kinds of boiling and hot foods on the stove and in the oven) but I could have found a way to include her. I know better! I know that it is upsetting to her to know she cannot get around as well as she used to.

As a caregiver, I know how hard it is for people to not easily do things they used to do without missing a beat. I know better and will do better next time.

Thankfully, Carol did have a fun day in spite of this misstep on my part.

Everyone did have a great time, we enjoyed the dinner and had way too many delicious desserts (so much for the “wedding diet!”) and politics were not even a part of the conversation (for the most part)! There were some clever drawings on the tablecloths, lots of tic-tac-toe and word games to remember for years.

Next year, I will be sure to say yes to all offers of help. I will try to not obsess about the tablecloths and I will let Carol help in the kitchen. Oh, and I will have enough chairs for everyone (sorry, Other Brother)!

I will remind myself there will never be a perfect day but that almost perfect is definitely good enough.

Shh! Don’t tell! I Like to Shop on Black Friday

We’ll continue with the interviews with people affected by epilepsy for Epilepsy Awareness Month but I first want to come clean about something.  


We enjoy our silly moments!

I have to admit it: I like to shop on Black Friday.
Don’t hate me!

I am apparently in the minority since I keep hearing people talk about all those “crazy” people going out to shop on Black Friday (although there are quite a few of us out there).  I feel a little on the defensive so want to explain why my daughter and I have a tradition of shopping on Black Friday (and it’s not because we're ungrateful for what we have or greedy or ridiculously materialistic although we may have a shoe addiction do like shoes).   

I don't know what started the tradition other than maybe several years ago we thought it would be fun to shop in the dead of night. (It’s really the only time I can stay up past ten.)

Rach was in high school when we first started this night owl shopping.  She and I always love to shop together anyway so we thought this was an event made for us.  We bundled up in comfy, warm clothes, grabbed some coffee and off we went.  Over the years, shopping after the mashed potatoes, stuffing and pie have barely been put away has become a cherished tradition we both look forward to.

That and the new shoes.

I don't care about being first in line to buy a big TV (I personally think those people are nuts but don't want to judge).  I avoid big electronic stores and would never go anywhere near a Wal-Mart.  I have my standards!  

Our Black Friday shopping experience has included meeting a friendly woman shopping for her "rebel" daughter and asking Rach for perfume suggestions.  Last year we met another wonderful woman who dragged her husband out to the mall after they had a ceremony at the cemetery that morning honoring her father who had passed away the previous year on that date (a custom in her family).  We saved her place in line while she continued shopping and then she repaid the favor by letting us check out ahead of her. 

Later, when stopping for food, we met a man who was encouraging his son to go to UC Santa Cruz and asked Rach about her college experience since she was wearing her UC Davis sweatshirt.

We usually buy some modest things to give as gifts (and treat ourselves to new shoes or boots – naturally!).  We spend the day night together having a great time, laughing and being silly (more so than usual because we’re sleep deprived) and we always curse the lack of parking spots.

Last year, Rach and I decided to venture out early in the morning instead of the dead of night and my husband spent the day with Robert.  He loved that I entrusted Robert to him and Robert loved the guy time.  Rach and I had our usual amount of silliness and laughter and returned home to hide Christmas presents and to squeeze another pair of shoes in our closets – then take a nap.

Shopping on Black Friday is, for us (and most likely many others) more about another fun, family tradition and less about finding the best deal.  

But hands off those boots – I saw them first.

Giving Thanks

My blogging group is made up of artists, writers, entrepreneurs, retired actors, illustrators, moms, political activists, dog rescuers and computer experts – and that’s just two of them (I kid).  All have great hearts and I am fortunate to call them my friends.  Occasionally, the group comes up with a “challenge” and we write about a particular topic.  Last month, we wrote a list of random things about ourselves (and I did one for Robert as well).  Appropriately enough, this month we are writing about what we are grateful for.  For starters, I am grateful to be a part of such a diverse, passionate, kind group of individuals!

I think the rest of what I am so grateful for can be summed up in one word: “family.”  (No, the blog post is not ending now.  Have you ever known me to write a short post?).   I couldn’t ask for a better family.  Everyone always says that but I actually really do have the best family and I hope you think you have the best family too because there’s enough room for a lot of “best” families.  Why am I so grateful for my family?

1.       I’m grateful to my husband for his clever ideas.  “Leave the plastic wrap on the new sofa bed mattress that Robert is going to sleep on.”  Brilliant.  Hubby just saved us $30 for a mattress cover.  I’m also grateful that he is willing to spend the day with Robert (and have a great time, too!) so I can hang out with my daughter shopping.

2.       I’m grateful for my daughter.  Yeah, she’s 22 and we were supposed to have gone through that difficult period where mothers and daughters don’t get along but we missed it because we were laughing so much. 

3.       Even though he sometimes drives me crazy because he doesn’t pick up on the life lessons I’m trying to teach him, I am grateful for my step-son.  He chose to join the Air Force and I am thankful to him for his commitment to our country.  Now, about that money you owe me. . .  

4.       I am grateful to my step-daughter who is strong-willed and opinionated (hmm, sounds like someone I know!) but would have all of our backs if the situation called for it.  

5.       I can’t forget how thankful I am to all of our animals (of course, they are part of the family)! Years ago, my mom called our house “Noah’s Ark” because of the menagerie we had.  We still have a slew of animals and I couldn’t imagine life without any of them.

6.       I’m grateful to my Other Brother.  Other Brother and I have been close since our mom brought him home from the hospital close to five decades ago and I would climb into his crib to take care of him.  I can always count on his sound advice and good sense whenever I need it and know that no matter how busy we get with our lives, we can make each other laugh within two seconds of seeing each other.

7.       I am grateful to my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law because she became friends with my mom when Hubby and I first married and has always been a mom to me but even more so after my mom died.  I treasure her for that.

8.       I’m grateful for Robert.  We were never close growing up but in these last few years he has taught me to slow down and appreciate the little things (like a good card game and a brain that doesn’t randomly misfire).  He has also shown me how someone can be happy with nothing more than a word search puzzle, a great sense of humor and his belief in God. 

9.       I am also grateful for the friendships I have and consider these friends a part of my family.  My best friend is there for me whether I am happy, cranky or overwhelmed and knows exactly what to do in each situation (which usually involves coffee or chocolate).  I am truly grateful for my friendships with other caregivers who have enriched my life this past year.  I am forever indebted to them.

I am grateful for all of these people not just this month or just on Thanksgiving, but every day of the year. 

Thank you for indulging me this expression of gratitude.  Even though Thanksgiving is over, please grab a piece of leftover pie and share what you are thankful for.