How a Childhood Gem Let Me Off the Hook

After going through a house move and an office move last year you would think the last thing I would want to do is unpack more boxes. For some crazy reason, though (probably because I am actually crazy), that’s exactly what I did last weekend.

Richard went to the Bay Area with his mom and brother to see his other brother’s new grandson (exciting!) while Robert and I stayed home and hung out with the dogs. Robert slept quite a bit which gave me an opportunity to get things done around the house.

I started by creating the to-do list of all to-do lists.

I have no idea why I had so much energy – especially since I had given up caffeine the week before. You’d think I would be comatose on the couch, unable to move without my Venti  Non-Fat, No-Whip Mocha (or two) coursing through my veins.

Mmmmm, mochas.  . .

Anyway, I digress.

I started by looking for copies of my book, Forever a Caregiver. I was sure I had extra copies at home and thought they might be packed away in a box in the garage.  I was determined to find them!

Well, one thing led to another and I searched through several boxes in the garage, which then led to (don’t ask) cleaning out and reorganizing not only my bedroom closet but my office closet and Robert’s closet.

Then I cleaned the house.

I started wondering if I accidentally drank actual coffee instead of the stuff in the cabinet labeled decaf.

I never did find my books but I did empty a lot of boxes. A delightful surprise when emptying those boxes was that I found a lot of old photos and even ran across letters I wrote home from my Girl Scouts summer camp.

Oh boy!

These letters were not only fun to read, giving me a glimpse into my 10 year old mind but they also gave me a gift. As a young adult, I had reread some of my diaries which caused me much distress.  (Note to millennials: these were small journals with tiny little locks that people used to write their innermost thoughts and then scream and yell when a pesky little brother tried to break the lock and read all the secrets contained inside. You know them now as “Facebook” and “Snapchat.”).

In one of my diaries I asked “Diary” why little Robbie bothered me so much. In fact, I told Diary that I didn’t think I even liked him.

Oh, ouch!

That was tough to read. Was I a terrible older sister? My goodness, my little brother went through all kinds of crap at school and with having seizures and here I was saying I didn’t like him? Where was my compassion and empathy and patience?!

These letters that I wrote during summer camp (and Mom was kind enough to save for me) showed me a different kind of big sister than Diary had led me to believe.  I only found three of the letters but they were enough to reassure me that I did have compassion and empathy and patience and didn’t just accidentally come by it as an adult.

Let me share these letters with you. Keep in mind I have horrible memories of summer camp. My homesickness knew no bounds and I have no idea why I agreed to go year after year.

I suspect these were written in 1971 or 1972 but I don’t really have a way of knowing for sure.  I changed my nickname from “Patti” to “Tricia” when I was 12 so these were written before the big name change.  (I am including the typos and misspellings even though it kills me to do so!)

July 13

Dear Robbie,

How are you? I’m Fine.

Thanks For the Letters. The’re cute. Only two more days and I’ll see you!

Did you get mom a birthday present? Have you had a wedding rehursul yet? Did you get your tux? IF you did I bet you anything you’ll be the best ringbery in History. I love you. Have you been swimming? I Hope so! If you were Here when there was mice in cindy’s Footlocker you’d Kill them, I know.

Well bye!

Luv ya,

Patti

P.s Please write

Was I actually advocating for killing mice? Yikes! Definitely was my pre-Animal Rights/Vegetarian days.

Then there’s this (and I don’t think we were required to write home daily – it was the homesickness, I’m sure!):

July 14

Dear Mom & Dad,

How are you? I’m Fine. We just got back From the overnight. I didn’t write last night cause we could not. We had to go to Bed. I only have four pieces of Paper so I’m writing you together, the boys together, grandma and grandpa together & the other grandma & grandpa togeter.

Please send me Eddie’s, Rogie’s, Great grandma’s address (nevermind) cause it’ll be the Last day when I write. Tell Eddie Hi Rogie Hi Julie Hi Lynda  Hi & steve & tod Hi, ok? Are you still working good, dad? I’m sure you are. Well sorry it was such a short Letter but I don’t have enough paper.

Luv ya,

Patti

P.S write Soon

Apparently, my paper multiplied . . .

July 14

Dear great swimmer & handsome

How are you? I’m Fine. I’m writing you together cause I only have 4 pieces of paper. We are about to Have Lunch. What are you haveing For Lunch? I don’t know what we’re Having. are you going swimming at cryer ave? I’m going at 2:30 I have to eat lunch  Bye

Luv ya,

Patti

P.s Write soon

Posing with Dad, his parents and two of his brothers
("Robbie" is on the left, Other Brother is next to him)

Finding these letters not only gave me a slightly better looking garage but gave me some peace of mind about how I treated “Robbie” when we were kids. I never really thought about being a sibling of someone who needed extra care and attention. It never felt like it affected me as a child but I now realize it affected me as an adult. Not because I felt left out as a child and carried that with me (that was obviously impossible with our close, extended family) but because as an adult I wondered if I treated Robert with care or if I was impatient and terrible toward him and felt guilty about it.

I definitely had my moments of impatience with him that I distinctly remember and that most likely ended up in my diary but I realize I did care about “Robbie” more than I realized.

Thank goodness “letting go of guilt” can be crossed off my to-do list.

Working and Caregiving: Emotions in the Workplace

As a Legal Administrator (manager of a mid-size law firm), I have had many situations in which I’ve had to keep a cool head: firm closures, office moves and lay-offs as well as the routine tasks of preparing the annual budget, conducting reviews and hiring or terminating employees. 

Panic, freaking out, emotional breakdowns (by me) cannot happen during any of these situations and I have done a very good job of keeping my emotions in check during any and all of these stressful situations.  (I usually have a meltdown once the situation has passed but that’s another story.)

One instance stands out where I did not keep it together – at all.

It was our annual budget time which occurs each January (guess what I’m doing this month at work . . .).  It’s a stressful time because, for one reason, expenses have to be kept to a minimum.   Since I do a pretty decent job of this, it’s a personal goal to do even better the following year.  Which means hours of review, analysis and decisions. The budget process is intense, stressful and exhausting.  In fact, I joke that I’ve had exploding body parts because of it (one January, I developed Appendicitis and had to have my appendix removed.  I asked the surgeon just before going in for surgery if I’d be able to return to work in time for my budget meeting). 

Budget time is a stressful time.

I became involved in Robert’s care in late 2008.  In January 2009, he was in the hospital with a life-threatening infection needing surgery and looking at weeks of intravenous antibiotic treatment.  I was simultaneously managing Robert’s care and involved in one of my most stressful projects at work (the budget). 

Upon handing a draft of the budget to the Managing Partner, he asked a simple question.  I don’t even remember what it was but I became defensive and angry and burst into tears. How embarrassing!  Poor guy didn’t know what hit him.  I managed to extricate myself from the conversation and get back to my office as my tears wouldn’t listen to my brain screaming, “STOP!” 

The Managing Partner later called me (so brave of him!) and asked why in the world I was so upset about the question he asked. 

It was then that I explained what was going on in my life as a new caregiver.  I had only briefly mentioned that my brother was ill but, after my out of character meltdown at the drop of a hat, felt I owed him an explanation.  Thankfully, he was understanding and compassionate.  The budget eventually was completed without any other meltdowns from me (in front of the managing partner, anyway).

Are emotions like this okay in the workplace?  Working caregivers can be stressed out or exhausted (or both) yet come in day in, day out to do their job.  Saturday, on “Table Talk, Your Caregiving Journey,” Denise Brown of Caregiving.com asked the question, “How do you keep it together at work?” 

Denise and I talked about emotions in the workplace during our chat and explored possible solutions for the caregiver to manage these inevitable bad days (and, sometimes even, the meltdowns). 

Denise and I came up with five tips to manage the emotions:

• Talk to a trusted friend at work;
• Share the situation with your boss (if you are comfortable doing so);
• Use the Employee Assistance Program at work;
• Channel those emotions into projects;
• Take a day off or consider if it might be time for a longer-term solution such as flex-time or job sharing;

Click on the player below to hear the entire program and please join me and Denise on the 2^nd Saturday of each month as we discuss issues facing the working caregiver. 

I promise not to have a meltdown during the show! 

Please share your Working Caregiver stories in the comment section.  I'd love to know how others handle the emotions in the workplace. 

Listen to internet radio with Denise Brown on Blog Talk Radio