Blessings and Gratitude All Around

One weekend a few months ago, Robert asked me to find his pocket phone book.  I knew we didn’t have this but I looked in his closet anyway.  I told Robert there was no pocket phone book to be found.

Robert's Bible cover

The next weekend, he asked again. I explained we didn’t have it.

This happened for several more weekends.

I finally realized he wanted a particular phone number so asked him who he wanted to call.

“My church.”

Well, goodness.  I told him I could find the phone number of the church and could call them.  He liked that idea so I called the church and left a message, not really expecting a call back. After all, Robert has been sending Christmas cards to this church for the past five years and hasn’t received a call or card back.

As gently as I could, I told Robert not to expect a response. "I'm sure they won't call" is pretty close to what I said.  

The following weekend, Robert asked for his pocket phone book.

Oh boy.  This topic is not going away.  I had to get a little tougher with my message.

I explained that we had already called the church and left a message. Robert was right there when I had called! I explained that I already looked for the pocket phone book and it was gone.

It’s gone – we do not have it.

“It’s at the other house.”

No – it’s gone; it’s gone.  It’s really gone. There’s nothing more I can do.  I’m sorry.

Silence and a stare.  Never a good combination.

That was on a Sunday. 

Monday morning, someone from Robert’s church called me. 

If ever there was a time for a hallelujah this was it!

Hallelujah!

He remembered Robert and was grateful I had called because they wondered if Robert was okay.  They had grown fond of him and had hoped for the best when he was no longer attending the church. It was great to hear how much Robert meant to this person.  He promised to have one of the pastors call Robert and we discussed the best times to call.

I was thrilled to come home and tell Robert a pastor from his church was going to call him. Robert’s eyes got a little bigger and brighter and his smile was spread across his face.

This meant so much to him; I hoped the pastor really would call and would call soon.

Two nights later, Pastor Franz called to talk with Robert but first he talked with me for quite some time.

Pastor Franz told me how much Robert meant to him and the church. He explained that Robert helped him (a pastor!) solidify his own faith way back when and he was extremely grateful we contacted him and was grateful to know how Robert was doing. Pastor Franz told me he had been on a bad path but he admired Robert’s faith and conviction and their conversations helped put him on the path to becoming a pastor.

For almost 15 years I have held a grudge against this church because a few of Robert’s church friends had convinced Robert God had cured him of epilepsy and he no longer needed to take his anti-seizure medication.  I don’t even know if this church was the same one Pastor Franz was from but I held a grudge against “Robert’s Church” anyway. As a result of this irresponsible advice, Robert had several relentless seizures while our entire family was visiting the ocean with my mom who was dying of cancer. 

To say I held a grudge is an understatement.

After talking with Pastor Franz, I put Robert on the phone.  Pastor Franz spoke with Robert for several minutes (even though it can be difficult to understand Robert over the phone) and I overheard them praying together, talking about God and Jesus. It appeared Pastor Franz was asking Robert if he needed anything but Robert didn’t quite understand him.  They eventually said their goodbyes and Robert handed me the phone again with a look of pure joy on his face.

Pastor Franz thanked me for contacting him and promised to send DVDs of their services - every week - and offered to send anything else Robert needed. 

I in turn thanked Pastor Franz for giving Robert something I can’t give him – a prayer with someone from his church whom he clearly respects.

Robert was elated the rest of the evening and I could feel my heart letting go of the grudge. It kind of didn’t want to but I thought it was time.

I am very grateful for what Pastor Franz gave Robert that evening and am grateful for his gifts of the promised DVDs which faithfully arrive in our mailbox twice a week.

I am also grateful to Pastor Franz for giving me the gift of forgiveness of people who were no doubt well-intentioned but woefully (and dangerously) uninformed. 

Finding Forgiveness and a Way to Help

This year I have had the honor to edit the stories of caregivers to create a series of books for Caregiving.com.  The books are a fundraising project for the CareGifters program which sends $500 to a caregiver in need as often as possible.


Many, many caregivers have been helped with a variety of needs and it is extremely rewarding to be a part of this project.

The most recent book is about forgiveness and the stories are from people in varying stages of forgiveness. Beautiful photographs are sprinkled throughout the book amidst these poignant stories. I’m sharing one of my essays on forgiveness here as I have struggled with forgiving my dad for not choosing treatment for his kidney failure. 

If you would like to purchase a copy of the book (the eBook is only $5), please visit here.

You can be confident your purchase of the book will go toward helping another caregiver who doesn’t know where to turn.  The most recent CareGifters recipient was extremely stressed because she had been diagnosed with cancer and needed surgery yet was a full-time caregiver for her husband.  She didn’t know how she could afford to hire care for her husband while she was in the hospital.  This money allowed her to get the help she needed giving her peace of mind before her surgery.

My own stories of forgiveness (Before Forgiveness and Letting Go . . . Finding Forgiveness) are just two of many stories in the book.   

An excerpt from "Before Forgiveness" -

"Unfortunately, his paranoia stretched to include doctors and other health professionals.  When he was very sick he would see a doctor to get pain pills but wouldn't follow their advice about his kidney failure.  He was bluntly told if he didn’t go on dialysis his kidneys would fail and he would die within six months. 

Several years prior to this he had a terrible bout of Bladder Cancer for which he was treated with chemotherapy, radiation and finally, removal of his bladder and prostate.  Dad became convinced the surgery was unnecessary and the doctors only removed his bladder and prostate to remove him from the dating pool so they would have less competition. Right. Because the right to date is squeezed in just before the "do no harm" sentence in the Hippocratic Oath. 

When told of the kidney failure, he refused to see an oncologist to see if his cancer had returned to infiltrate his kidneys.  He had extreme back pain and only wanted pain pills. He refused to connect his back pain to his failing kidneys.

He wouldn't let me attend his doctor's appointments because he knew I'd force him into treatment and he said he didn't want to be mad at me. 

He steadfastly refused dialysis because he didn’t want to live hooked up to a machine.  He told me the only way he would ever allow dialysis was if he was in a coma and going to die that very day.  He told me I could make that decision if it came down to it.  I told him I didn't think that dialysis would work once it got that dire and he should talk to his doctor about it and not put me in such a position."
An excerpt from "Letting Go . . . Finding Forgiveness" -

I have a difficult time with forgiveness but not because I’m an unforgiving person (really, I’m not).

It’s because I believe people do the best they can with what they have – most of the time.  It’s not really up to me to wave a magic wand over a person’s head and say in my most regal voice, “You’re forgiven, good Sir.”

I don’t know that I have any right to forgive someone for something they did that, while hurtful, was unintentionally so (most of the time). 

Another piece to this forgiveness quandary I am in is that it is closely tied to letting go. 

Me, who envisions a future involving several cats and boxes and boxes of the kids’ drawings from pre/elementary/middle/high school as well as a good amount of pictures and books.  

Oh, wait.  That sounds eerily like my present.

Okay, so I may have a letting go problem.  Maybe. 

If I have a letting go problem do I also have a forgiveness problem?

I don’t feel the need to forgive my parents for the decisions they made when I was growing up.  My brothers and I were loved and our parents were trying the best they could.  They were young and went through mental health issues (depressions, bipolar disorder). 

I’ve long since accepted them for who they were.  They didn’t intentionally hurt us kids so there’s nothing to forgive.  Somehow, I can even let go of the difficulties depression brought into our lives, probably because it was something Mom worked to overcome. 

She eventually stopped trying to give up.

Recently, I was listening to Anna Stookey who is a regular on the internet radio show, Your Caregiving Journey with Denise M. Brown.  Anna and Denise were talking about letting go.

A comment sent a jolt through me:  it is perceived as a failure when we let go."

I hope you are able to check out the book.  I'd also love to hear your own stories of forgiveness so please feel free to share them in the comment section. 

We all have stories to tell!