Sorry, Not Sorry

I have a friend who is a caregiver to her husband who has Early Onset Mild Cognitive Impairment. G-J is a dynamo! She cares for her husband which involves numerous doctor’s appointments, medications, classes to help brain function as well as many, many other tasks. She teaches at a local senior care home, is a freelance writer, manages to spend time with her college-age son and is a busy volunteer with the Alzheimer’s Association. 

Other Brother and I after a wild ride on a roller coaster

in Santa Cruz (2007)

Like I said, she is a dynamo.

She is also one of the authors (with me and three others) of the book 365 Caregiving Tips: Practical Tips from Everyday Caregivers (which is on sale now!!).  Our emails to each other regarding this book and our next book project (regarding travel tips for caregivers) or just to say hi sometime start with “I’m sorry I haven’t responded sooner.”

She is busy; I am busy; caregivers are just really busy. 

We are busy caregiving, advocating, planning, chauffeuring, managing a crisis or three and trying to maintain friendships, relationships and balance.

We end up saying sorry – a lot.

G-J and I finally decided we did not need to apologize to each other any longer.  I have this agreement with all of my other friends who are caregivers as well.  We might be late in responding to emails, phone messages, self-imposed deadlines or a check-in text.  Now, we may be late in responding but apologizing is no longer a part of the conversation (or at least we are trying to eliminate it from the conversation).

Sorry, but not sorry.

I tend to feel responsible for anything and everything which leads to a great deal of apologizing. No more.

Sorry, not sorry.

(This is hard for me, actually. I want to apologize, I feel the need to apologize but I can’t continue to apologize for things that are many times out of my hands.)

Caregivers are busy but we do not intend to be late in responding. We do not mean to slide in at the last possible moment to a doctor’s waiting room (yes, I had Robert use the bathroom before we left the house but he either needed to use it again once we arrived or had an accident on the way and needs to be changed). I am not intentionally late nor am I so disorganized that I arrive late. I plan ahead and give us plenty of time to get to appointments but there are times when we will be late.

Sorry, not sorry.

(I think maybe this will be easier to say the more I say it.)

Of course that pang of guilt hits me in my gut when I realize I haven’t talked to Other Brother in six weeks or when I am late for a hair appointment because Robert was in the ER all day (and there was no way in hell I was going to miss that hair appointment after that stressful day!). Or when I realize I only wrote one blog post in a month. Ugh!  I do wish I could do everything I intend to at the time I want to but sometimes that just isn’t possible.  

Sorry, not sorry. 

(Oh! But I am sorry but I just can’t continue to feel guilty about the things I am not accomplishing right now.)

Caregiving is certainly not an 8 to 5 job.  It is unpredictable, stressful, relentless and exhausting. Add to that a passion for advocacy to help other caregivers, a passion (and need) to write and then squeeze those in between caregiving tasks and working full-time.  Other caregivers understand this so know that no apology is needed when an email sits unanswered or a project deadline passes or our tone gets a little terse.

“Sorry” is not needed. 

I will certainly do my darndest to make it appointments on time, answer emails and keep my projects on track. I will do my best to be sure my frustrations don’t leak out in the form of snippy comments. I will even be mindful of the promises I make to myself whether it is regarding writing or self-care. 

If I slip, know that it is not intentional. Know that my “Sorry, not sorry” is about me giving myself the grace to slip.  Know that I might be saying I am not sorry but we both know I am. 

At the risk of making more promises I can’t keep, I think I will at least promise Other Brother a phone call.  Well, at least a text.  A text I can do.  Just in case that doesn’t happen, let me just take care of that now:

“Hey, bro! How are you? I miss you!”

See?  No sorry needed. 

365 Caregiving Tips: Practical Tips from Everyday Caregivers

Life is funny sometimes. 

When I started caring for Robert seven years ago – and believe me, it does not seem seven years has gone by since then – I had no idea what the future had in store for me or him.  I did not know what I was doing and certainly did not realize I was one of 65 million people providing care for someone.

Available in PDF or Paperback

While I did not feel alone, I felt I needed to share some of the problems I was experiencing to see if others had gone through the same thing.  My first blog post was about trying to change Robert’s address for his Social Security and Medi-Cal benefits.  What a nightmare!

Eventually, I stumbled across the caregiver support website, CareGiving.com and asked Denise Brown if she was accepting submissions and if I could write for her site.  (I am always looking for ways to make money by writing.)  I did not fully grasp the supportive network Denise had created and she encouraged me to post on her site and connect with others. 

The people I connected with on that site remain my friends today. We have been through a lot of caregiving and caregiving changes through the years and we have shared laughs, tears and frustrations through it all. 

Four of these dear friends (one of whom is my husband) decided to create a series of books to help other caregivers. We have several years of experience between us and have learned “on the job” so wanted to share what we have learned with other caregivers. 

Some of our tips have been shared on our own websites, some on CareGiving.com or other websites such as Assisted Living Directory (a terrific website with caregiving resources).  Life is funny: I connected with David Besnette who created Assisted Living Directory and he offered to pay me to write for his site.  Getting paid to write is certainly a dream come true but I love what he is creating with the website so much that I would probably write for it for free (shh! Don’t tell David). 

Pegi Foulkrod, Gincy Heins, Richard Kreis, Kathy Lowrey and I have accumulated so many caregiving tips through the years and are now sharing our tips in our first of (hopefully) many books designed to help the caregiver.  365 Caregiving Tips: Practical Tips from Everyday Caregivers is an easy to read, short reference book covering a variety of caregiving topics.  From advocacy, meal time, incontinence to travel (and even incontinence while traveling), no topic is too sensitive!   

Life is funny.  You never know where life will lead you. When I first met Pegi, Kathy and Gincy, I had no idea we would be lifelong friends creating a book for other caregivers. This book means so much to me because it was created with people I love and respect and admire.

While creating this book, life continued: caregiving did not stop; life did not stop. Between us, we were involved in fundraising for organizations we are passionate about, one of us sat bedside by her husband as death was knocking on his door (he is now at home, on hospice), we were working, caring, enjoying the news of an engagement (!) and laughing, sharing and loving.

These people inspire me every day to be a better caregiver.  To be a better person.

If there is one thing I have learned from these people it is never to lose hope and that miracles do happen. 

Pegi is the artist of the group and created a stunning cover for the book. In fact, her artwork is so beautiful it must be shared! We are finishing up a calendar to do just that so please watch this space for more information on the 2016 Caregiving Calendar.

Please consider purchasing the paperback or PDF version of the book for yourself or for a caregiver you know. The book will soon be available for e-readers as well!  Please also share the information about this book because you may not know if there is a caregiver in your circle of friends.

Thank you so much for your support!